Thursday, September 13, 2007

It's Okay

Driving in the car--alone--with the windows down and the radio turned up, it's easy to pretend that you have no responsibilities, no one to answer to, no one counting on you to protect them and nourish them. For a moment, I am a single woman and I have my whole life ahead of me but with the knowledge I've gained over the last decade or so.

And I'm free.

I can feel passion. I can be gorgeous. I can travel the world. I might still be a doctor, or a photographer or a dolphin trainer. I'll dance under the stars. My clothes will be stylish. There will be fabulous dinner parties and views of the ocean. The births will be natural and the babies will sleep through the night.

I look forward to the life ahead of me.

Then my phone buzzes. A client needs something. Will I pick up milk while I'm out? Back to School night starts in twenty minutes. At that point it's as if my body stopped short but my heart kept moving forward. It's pressed up against my ribs aching to keep going. I give it a pat and soothe its racing beat.

Choices have been made.

But what do I tell it, my heart? Why does it yearn to start over again and do it "right" this time? What would it change? What would it be willing to give up? Nothing. Then why does it press its face against the window and dream?

37 Deserve Mamma's Love:

Marie Green said...

Ohhh, do I know. I love my life, my husband, my babies, my house, my friends, my job, etc... BUT.

But, SO MANY of life's decisions have been made now, and that's so hard to face! It makes me feel restless and itchy to do something new and exciting. This may be one reason why I still want another baby- because it's something that we can still decide. Something to look forward to, something life changing that we are still in control of.

To be content, that is the ultimate challenge, isn't it?

Kimberly said...

I have those moments too. They never beat a sweet sticky hug, though. My oldest is 12 and I can already see time flying and my babies living away in dorm rooms. It all goes too fast...

~JJ! said...

Are you in my frickin' head?

I am going through crap like that as I type...

How did you do that? Know exactly what I was thinking????


Hugs.

Alex Elliot said...

What a fantastic post! It's so true. I had to laugh about the dolphin trainer part though.

Nancy said...

Oh.... I hear you.

What is it about the car that makes us feel so young and free?

(and why must that feeling end all too soon?)

Lawyer Mama said...

I love this line, Amie:
"Then why does it press its face against the window and dream?"

That is EXACTLY how I feel. Content, but not.

Mrs. Chicken said...

This is catching - I had it last week.

And your blog is most worthy; this post is further proof. Please stick it out and keep writing. Because your words really do sing, and it is a tune I recognize.

Ally said...

You write so well and beautifully about this longing that so many of us feel. Thanks for this post.

Oh, The Joys said...

I just want the afternoon off.

Seriously though, I totally agree and feel this way too.

Beth said...

I think the "what ifs?" are just a way of re-visiting our past, our old selves. Nice place to go once in awhile but better still that we know we wouldn't change a thing in our present.

PunditMom said...

I SO know that feeling. But if I had made any choice differently at any point along the way, would I get to be PunditGirl's mom? It is a conundrum.

Nancy said...

I think Nancy coined it, the freedom of driving releases the question of different directions or paths.

Most wouldn't change a thing, but I wouldn't mind the option of tweaking some things in the past.

slouching mom said...

Beautiful, poignant post. So true. You captured just how I feel -- often.

Leslie said...

You so captured a feeling. I KNOW this. Beautiful and articulate writing.

slackermommy said...

This pretty much sums up life, doesn't it?

Beautifully written. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Mamma said...

Thank you all. I hesitated in writing this post. I'm honored and flattered by your kind words.

SM--I love you too.

Kevin Charnas said...

Oh Mamma, I know how you feel. Truly. I feel like the luckiest guy on earth and I still dream and wonder...

It doesn't mean that I'm any less grateful for what I have, but it's just dreaming.

What's cool though, is that you KNOW that you wouldn't want to give up anything. I think that the ones who do fantasize and then ACT on it, thinking that it MUST be greener on the otherside, now those people scare the shit out of me.

Kristi said...

Well done. And yet I can't remember the last drive I had alone. Which in itself is pretty sad.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

It presses because sometimes we feel overworked and underappreciated! I know exactly how you feel!

I love my family more than words can express but sometimes the weight of responsibility is a lot to bear! When they have pushed me just far enough...that freedom looks even nicer!

There is nothing wrong with dreaming......NOW if you move to Bermuda and start dating a cabana boy...that might be a problem!

WAIT A MINUTE...what am I saying? IF you move to Bermuda....you sure as HELL better take me with you! :)

PS: You will ALWAYS be a legend in my mind too! :)

mamatulip said...

I love how you put your thoughts into words...I can totally relate to this post.

Pinks & Blues said...

I was in NYC last weekend with my husband and kids. My husband and I lived there for 7 years together, only 2 of those with kids. I thought to myself while we were there (with our now 3 boys)... I could have done this. I could have lived here. Worked like a dog. Done the night life. Done the smoozing. BUt here I am now, happier than I ever have been and with more love in this house in RI than I ever dreamed. But when Sex and The City comes on... there's my NYC fix! :)
- Audrey
LOVE YOUR BLOG!

DangerDoll said...

What an incredible post. And yeah, get outta mah brain!

As much as I love my husband and daughter, I still catch myself fantasizing about the what-ifs. Doesn't help that we had her relatively late and so now all my friends have teenagers/college kids and sweet freedom, while we're still hosting Santa and the Tooth Fairy. So watching them travel and start businesses and chase their dreams is hard sometimes.

It doesn't help that we live about 15 mins. from a major airport, either. I drive by and think, there it is, girlie...one quick left turn, one decision in the series, and you could be working at a resort on Fiji...never have to pick up dirty socks again...popcorn for dinner if that's what you want...write all day long when the mood strikes...

Sigh.

www.nolanotes.com said...

Because,even if just for fleeting moments, we always want what we can't have. We only get one life. But we all one at least one more.

Well said.

canape said...

Starting over and doing it right is only helpful if you did it wrong the first time. Like me. I totally screwed up and started over. It was awesome.

However, I met your boys, and I'm of the opinion that they are pretty damn right.

Kuwaitia said...

wow...powerful writing, crazy true!

GHD said...

That was awesome and well said! I completely understand.

Redsy (formerly CrankMama) said...

The dreamer is who makes us beautiful.. she's is who makes us free...

Jonathon Morgan said...

That was such a great post. I totally feel that way from time to time (or the male equivalent), but had never thought to articulate it quite like that.

Lotta said...

For me the idea of reliving all those days wasted in anxiety appeals. I would love to redo highschool with the attitude I have today.

Lotta said...

PS - Plus if I could do it over again I would have been a total slut and enjoyed it.

Kristin said...

It is scary how well this post mirrors my emotions.

Kim said...

Don't worry honey, once you're old like me you only dream about things like comfortable shoes and loose waisted pants.

Casdok said...

I can relate to that!!

Lisa said...

Gosh, its wonderful to know other chicks feel the same way and do the same thing while in the car!
:-)

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

You said it, Mamma.

Why is it that contentment and happiness always seem to be just out of reach?

QT said...

I think this defines what it is to be human - we will always wonder. And want.

Great post.

Gunfighter said...

Because to stop dreaming is to wait for death.