Thursday, July 16, 2009

Cue the Mommy War

The mommy wars draw lots of attention. People like nothing more than women fighting whether it's over a man or about how to raise children or in mud.

I hate nothing more.

As women, we moved apart during the Industrial Revolution. We moved to cities--away from our families and away from the women who were our support systems. The focus of our attention became the men who brought home a paycheck. We began to see one another as a threat rather than an extension of our network.

That's just dumb (my intelligence is blinding, no?).

I say this all in an effort to mitigate any comments that might be made about what I am about to write next.

cue the whining...

It's summer. My kids are home. Family events are taking place. The weather is gorgeous. My garden needs attention. My house is a mess.


Stupid money and bills and luxuries and travel. If it weren't for you, I'd be job-title free!

And poor.

Oh well. Back to work.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Real Moms Redux

I wrote this quite some time ago, but I'm replaying it today because honestly...I like it still. Hope you do too.

I originally wrote this post back in the day of memes in response to Queen of the Mayhem and Janet a.k.a. Wonder Mom. The task was to describe a real mom.

Those two women each hit the mark dead on with their posts, and I wasn't sure what I was going to be able to add. Looking back on on it and the time that has passed since I wrote it I am so grateful for the relationships I've developed with so many amazing real moms I've met through blogging and other social networks. Through their stories, they have reaffirmed my belief that the following is absolutely true.

Real moms? You want to know the ugly truth? Our deepest, darkest secret?

We have NO shame.

Sure real moms look around the table at a work meeting and secretly want to look like the single fashionistas, but they'll wear an outfit from Target if it means their chilren get the birthday present of their dreams or a memorable vacation.

Real moms gag at the smell of vomit, but they'll go to the pharmacy with it in their hair when their toddler is running a fever and can't keep anything down.

Real moms will clean toilets at a bar if it means their family has food on the table.

Real moms will exhaust themselves raising kids by themselves rather than modeling a "normal" relationship as loveless or violent.

Real moms might try to have children naturally, but they'll love the ones they get with every fiber of their being regardless of any genetic relationship.

You can try every trick you have to put down a real mom, but it ain't gonna phase her. When it comes to her family there isn't anything she wouldn't do.

You want to demean her? You want to degrade her? You want to make her invisible? You want to treat her as less than equal?

Fine. As long as you're willing to be met with the ferocity of tiger. Because a real mom will battle to the death to protect her family and provide a safe and loving environment in which her children can grow up to be healthy and happy.

Oh, and she'll have an army of Target clothes-wearing, toilet brush-holding, vomit spewn-haired women standing behind her to take you on. Because that's what real moms do.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Clearly She's Been Working Out (or in?)

Mamma here ever prepared to keep you up to date on breaking news.

This morning we learned that a new Guinness world record has been set!

While I'm inspired by the fact that there is still time for me to challenge this record, my desire to dig deeper into the story for you, my readers, was not satisfied.

My first question, of course, was "well who holds the record for the world's strongest pen*s?"

Before I could find that answer though, I came upon this headline.

Typical. It wasn't the woman's accomplishment.

Wanting to get the rest of the story, I didn't allow myself to become distracted and went right to Google followed more leads in search of the record holder.

It seems the folks at Guinness aren't as concerned with finding the world's strongest pen*s (male judges can't handle the competition, hmmm?).

The best information I could find was at least a year old and comes to us from the far East. (do not click w/small children on lap; however, if you have teen-aged boys call them over immediately and tell them this is what you'll do to them if they have sex before they are 35.)

My journalistic blogging instincts told me not to trust that source. I was suspicious of the fact that the gentleman's back is turned to us and that he is naked except for a strap around his waist.

I continued my search for two more minutes and found that World's Strongest Pen*s remains a record yet to be set. A certain company claims to have "the world's strongest pen*s enlargement formula", but I'm fairly certain drug use would disqualify you from the the title.

So readers, what did we learn today?

You're never too old to set a Guiness world record (Get Kegeling* girls. We can't let the Russians beat us!). AND, guys start "lifting." You still have a chance to be the first!

*Am I the only one who finds the irony in the name and product line of this company?

Monday, July 06, 2009

Very Superstitious

I want to write about what is taking up all of my time right now, but I can't.

Let's just say that one of my three sons is on a certain baseball team.

My husband hasn't shaved in three weeks. I've been driving a pick-up truck instead of my normal car for three weeks. This year no CDs were created to get the team pumped up before games (they were NOT good luck). I bring the same cooler to every game. I even have a friend who texts me before every game and once during the game to get and update because he's been doing so for each game.

There are plans to go to the beach in two weeks. There are plans for me to go to BlogHer in three. I went ahead and bought a plane ticket to Chicago because not doing so would be a slap in the face to the "gods of the diamond."

You just can't mess with things.

I can reveal that I have developed zits on my cheeks for the first time in 25 years. There are approximately 17 lbs of infield dirt in my car. And yes...

I am a baseball mom.

Now keep your fingers crossed or do whatever lucky things you need to do.

I'm not joking. Get to it!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

When You Have an Addict in Your Life

There's been an addict in my life for over twenty years.

I've locked my doors. I've hidden my purse. And I've been stolen from regardless.

I've been mad. I've cried. I've been hurt. I've been embarrassed and ridiculously angry.

I've pretended not to care.

I've done to Al-Anon, and yet the worry remains.

My sister has been "clean" for the past four years to the best of my knowledge. She might actually be finding the way to live with her addiction, but just one overheard conversation and my temptation to go into "she's high again" mode jumps on my shoulders like one of Jack Hanna's animals going after David Letterman.

My goal each time is just to keep the animal from taking a crap on my head.

Last night I overheard my son talking to his mom (my sister). I could hear him repeatedly asking her what she was talking about. Each time he said it I felt my shoulders pull higher and higher.

"Why isn't she making sense?" "Is she slurring her words?" "Fuck, she's using again."

We learn in Al-Anon that the addicts' problems are not ours--that we don't have to react to them. But when you're raising the addict's child how can it not affect you?

I AM a mamma lion. Don't mess with my kids or I'll cut you.

I won't think twice about it.

Even if you are my sister.