Sunday, September 23, 2007

I'll Give You an Excuse

I wear my excessive weight like a suit of armor. It gives me an excuse for you not to notice me or like me. Then when you don't want to interract with me I know it's not because of me--of who I am--but because who wants to talk to the fat girl??

Ironically, I snuggle into my armor time and again anticipating the comfort that awaits, but as soon as it's on I realize it doesn't fit. It's too tight. It becomes hard to move. My heart can't beat as loudly with it on. Of course, when I go to take it off I realize I can't. I'm stuck.

And there I am--alone. Exactly what I was trying to avoid in the first place.

I'm so uncomfortable I don't think I can stand it one more minute. But, the task of exposing myself once again is frightening. The job of disassembling the intricate fit from the inside out is formidable. I feel so helpless, and I begin to lose my will to try.

So there is one more reason for you to turn away in disgust.

Cold, hard, lazy, unwilling yet needy, needy, needy. Why would you stop to engage me?

Please though. Just for a moment understand I wasn't always this way. It's just so much easier if I give you a reason not to like me before you decide you don't.

It's very lonely in here. I know that will never change as long as I keep the armor on. I just need to remember it's never serves as protection but rather a wall.

36 Deserve Mamma's Love:

GHD said...

Such a tough read, but so beautifully written.

Hugs and more hugs.

Charming Driver said...

Oh honey, I know. Hugs.

Erika Jurney, Plain Jane Mom said...

That was wonderful.

dawn224 said...

Well spoken. Sending good thoughts your way.

melodyann said...

Mamma, I am wearing that suit of armor too. And it's killing me. I bet the two of us could tell each other the exact same stories.

My heart is breaking for you right now, just like it's breaking for me.

Send me an email. Let's help each other. If nothing else, let's look inside the armor to the heart, and love what's there.....

Jen M. said...

I only know you from your blog, but to me you are clearly a supermodel. Your words, your stories - they are beautiful.

Good luck to you - I hope you feel like you can don any suit and know there are so many people out there who SEE you.

Bananas said...

wow, spot on. for what it's worth, I SEE you and LOVE you deeply.

Kimberly said...

Ammie, you're absolutely beautiful.

Blog Antagonist said...

I think it's a struggle many of us face. I've had some success, but it's an ongoing battle. But, as others have said, you are a clearly a beautiful person, no matter what the outside of you looks like.

~JJ! said...

I so know how you feel.

For all this statement is worth, I think you are a gorgeous woman...And I have only met you here, in blogland.

I think that says way more than if I even had a clue as to what you looked like on the outside.

I'm sure your outsides aren't as you think they are. (I know how that feels too)

I know your heart and soul are beautiful...That's all that matters in my book!!!

If you need me, I'm here...

Midwest Mommy said...

So true!

Lawyer Mama said...

I hadn't noticed the armor. Maybe because I got to know your lovely insides before I ever saw your outside. You're a beautiful woman anyway though. AND I've seen you without make-up - still beautiful! Seriously, that's so unfair.

Plus, I don't know if you've ever realized this but you're one of those people who has a presence, extra weight or not. I don't think it would be possible NOT to notice you.

((HUGS))

Beth said...

If you are actually wearing excessive weight as a suit of armor, anyone who would not look beyond that armor is not worth knowing.
And that's one of the great things about blogging - people get to know that "inside" person - and your inside person is beautiful.

canape said...

Well thanks for letting me inside the wall. I'm really glad to have gotten to be there.

You know though, I totally saw you as one of those women who were weightless. There are women who it doesn't matter how much they weigh, they are always put together, polished, and ready to take on the world. You could be stick thin or twice your size and you would still be one of those beautiful women.

Your personality was what I saw as big. Big and inviting.

Ty said...

All I can say is wow. That is me.

WorksForMom said...

I, too, only know you from your blog but just had to tell you I think you're amazing. This post was beautiful and insightful for yourself and many other women.

janet said...

i have to echo what has already been said. i think you are amazing, insightful and totally worth knowing.

Sue Doe-Nim said...

We all do it.

I've gained since Steven died and I love myself enough to start taking it off.

I think you love yourself too.

Also, those boys shouldn't outrun you. Don't take that away from them.

Paige Jennifer said...

You are one brave mamma. Because to think these thoughts, well, we all do that. But to freely admit them for everyone to see? My round ass and cellulite ridden thighs and jiggly arms - we all thank you.

PunditMom said...

You are lovely and wonderful as you are. But I hear what you are saying and you are so amazing to talk about it.

Nancy said...

We all have worn that suit at one time or another, be it weight, 'tude, or thoughts. The truth is, real beauty can only be from the inside, the outside is just cosmetics. I have been around some very good looking ugly people.

Kelly said...

Fantastic post...

QT said...

This was strange for me to read because I have only been exposed to one side of you - one that is so confident, put together, and funny - that I never would have guessed that you felt this way.

Thanks for sharing it, and reminding me that people are not just 3 dimensional - there is so much more.

Have you ever read this blog? It is the BOMB ~

http://kateharding.net/

Mrs. Chicky said...

Aw, hon. I don't know what to say.

{{hug}}

Gunfighter said...

Having met ML n the flesh, lemme tell all of you that she is hot!

No lie.

GF

truly said...

You are drop-dead gorgeous.

Lisa said...

Woman. If I heard someone say they didn't like you? I would think there's something SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY wrong with them.

You my dear are an amazing woman who is beautiful and kind and FUN! :-)

Eve said...

I love posts like this...when the writer is so brutally honest. And I said it before and I'll say it again, I thought your were one of the most memorable, sweetest, warmest, friendliest bloggers I met at BlogHer! And you have a fantastic sense of style.
You can't fake those qualities.

Lotta said...

Exactly. Just exactly. I have stalled in my 220s. I can't seem to get myself to stick to my diet. Your post is making me realize that once I start heading towards the under 200 weight I'm not really gonna know who I am. And I'm going to make others around me mad (mom, girlfriends, etc.) who like me as the fat friend. So how to deal with that.

But let me tell you this. I think the 30's is a great time to lose because we know more than ever what's important.

Lotta said...

Ok, "the 30's (as in age) are"

Doh!

Oh, The Joys said...

Having lost the weight for the first time, I feel kicked out of my club. My people, my girls don't consider me part of their crowd. It is so weird. I'm one of the fat girls, but you can't see that right now.

Mamma - I like you. You're just going to have to deal with that.

xo,
OTJ

Believer in Balance said...

That was beautifully written. Only a beautiful person could've written that. But before you can let anyone else like you, you have to like yourself first.

Colleen said...

Oh, how I relate to every word.

slackermommy said...

I want to rip that f-ing armor off you. After spending a lot of time with you at BlogHer I know how beautiful you are. Inside and out. Not too mention I want to steal your sense of style and those red CFM pumps. More than anything I want you to love yourself as much as I do and the rest of us who are lucky enough to know you. I can relate, girl. The negative messages we tell ourselves can be debilitating.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Oh Mamma, what an honest post. How did I miss this until seeing it on perfect posts?? Which it is, perfect, that is.

kellyo75 said...

I know what you mean, honey! It is hard being locked up inside all the armor. It is very beautifully written. And I agree- whoever can't look past the armor isn't worth knowing!!