Thursday, January 18, 2007

My Relationship with My Eyebrows: A Play in Three Parts

Act I: Blissful Ignorance

Scene: Mamma's third birthday party. She's about to blow out the candles on her cake. Two parents share a conversation in the back of the room.

Parent 1: She's a cutie.
Parent 2: She's going to get away with a lot with those big blue eyes.
Parent 1: And those long eyelashes...

Act II: This Might Be as Bad as Getting Your Period

Scene: Mamma's now 13. Short Stuff (Mamma's Mamma) calls to Mamma from her bedroom.

Short Stuff: Mamma, come here.
Mamma:
Short Stuff: Mamma?! Come here.
Mamma: (eye roll) o-kay

Mamma enters Short Stuff's bedroom and is attacked by a crazy tweezer wielding woman.

Mamma: What are you doing?! (trying to slap Short Stuff away)
Short Stuff: I just. need. to. get. rid. of. someofthosehairs.
Mamma: OUCH! OUCH! What. are. you. doing?!
Short Stuff: We just need to clean your eyebrows up a bit. You'll like it.

Later that day...Mamma and her best friend Long Legs are walking to the pool

Long Legs: What happened to your face?
Mamma: My mom "plucked" my eyebrows. It frickin' hurt!
Long Legs: It looks better. Before they looked like two caterpillars in heat.

Act III: Acceptance/The Love Affair

Scene: Mamma, freshly denuded of unsightly eyebrow and bikini hair, saunters down the sidewalk on a sunny brisk day.

Voiceover Mamma: I wonder if Timi (my esthetician) knows what a girl crush I have on her. I mean look at these eyebrows! They're perfect every time! This might be better than a new hair cut. I love Timi. Love her, love her, love her. Hmm? I didn't know my pants hit my skin there. Shakey's going to love Timi too!

Cue The Gap Band "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" as Mamma hops into her big SUV and drives away.

Fin.

19 Deserve Mamma's Love:

Mrs. Chicky said...

Who knew hair removal could be so entertaining? Sigh. Now I need to go out and find a good esthetician.

Oh, The Joys said...

I am so under-groomed right now...

Girl said...

I had to come tell you the "liar" post was a typo, I meant to put AREN'T Liars. I feel real stupid, I would never have said that.

karrie said...

And I'm so very glad I'm blonde, blonde, blonde because I am lazy about this sort of thing.

Kevin Charnas said...

Are you Greek? 'Cause sister from another mister, my eyebrows are like WIG FACTORIES!

Eric said...

Who said blogs are all about navel-gazing? I mean, there's eyebrow-tweezing to talk about, too.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

I totally had the Bert unibrow. Thank the goodness for tweezers!

Lisa

Dorky Dad said...

I feel the same way about ... nope. Never mind.

Amy said...

I think you may be living my life...When someone compliments my eyebrows, it makes me happy for a week! And the Brazilian? Amazing!

kat said...

I'm very undergroomed now myself. I am most winters... the best part about wearing jeans all the time.

My nemisis... as I age, I get new additions to my hair factory.. on my chin.

I might have to save your play to show my youngest. She has beautiful eyes and eyelashes and lots of brow.

trina said...

The very first time I had my eyebrows waxed was at a high school boyfriend's family Thanksgiving celebration. I know - it WAS weird. All the cousins turned out like godesses. I immediately started to break out everywhere the wax was applied and stayed like that for two weeks.

Ugh. The things we women do to ourselves.

mamatulip said...

I am obsessed with my eyebrows. I get them waxed every month...it's a MUST for me.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

It really is amazing how much better we look with a good brow wax. As for the other....I have not yet been so bold! I do have a friend who swears by it. I may need to give it a try!

Jill said...

Wow, popular topic!

Your mother and my mother obviously have nothing in common. It wasn't until I was 25 that it dawned on me that the Brooke Shields full eyebrow look really wasn't so stylish.

MommaK said...

I'm too tweezed at the moment. I need help!!!

Jenny said...

I've never even heard the word "esthetician" but now I want one.

Desperately.

Poppy Buxom said...

Oh FINE. I read your post. And now ... I feel so ... hairy.

Attila The Mom said...

Ha! This reminds me of the scene in Miss Congeniality where Michael Caine says, "Eyebrows. There should be two!"

Housewife said...

Envy...

I rogaine my eyebrows each day so that they're thick enough to make into some sort of shape.

Lucky you....

Lucky hubby if you're all into grooming all of it too...