Tuesday, January 09, 2007

A Speculumtacular Visit!

**Warning to men and boys. The following is a story that will make you thank god once again that you are not a woman. Read at your own risk**


As Karrie so selflessly shared with us her annual gynecological visit today, I was reminded of a particularly lovely sojourn I took to the doc oh so many years ago. And for the record, I'm not "stalking" Karrie despite the fact that I can't stop talking about her. Karrie, Karrie, Karrie.

When I went away to college I began taking the Pill, because I was having sex wanted to regulate my periods. Taking it regularly was never a problem and on a few occasions helped me determine what day of the week it was (I went to school in New Orleans). What was a challenge was remembering to make appointments with my doctor to get my prescription refilled.

Just days before I was ready to leave town at the end of my junior year, I realized I was going to run out of pills before I was going to be able to see my usual physician, so I ran over to the school health center in hopes of getting a mercy refill. Shoot, they always thought you were pregnant when you went in there so I thought I had a chance. Seriously, mumps? I had them my sophomore year and as the doctor looked at my misshapened face he told me he wanted to take a blood test to see if I was pregnant. That health center had to be the last stop for some burned out docs.

They agreed to a refill but insisted I have a pelvic exam before they would give it to me. Since most students had departed it was quiet and they took me right in. In a rush, I donned my paper nightie and awaited the master of ceremonies. He entered accompanied with his beautiful assistant, the nurse, since there were strict rules about male doctors being in the room alone with a female patient for this kind of exam. I should have been grateful I guess but she looked more like a partner in crime than a savior.

So I got up on the table, laid back and put my feet in the stirrups (and they wonder why little girls have pony fantasies). Then there was the awkward dance as the doctor kept asking me to slide further down the table. I'm guessing the poor guy must have been nearsighted. With my hoo hoo in the spotlight and the speculum inserted, the exam commenced. Never a big fan of pelvic exams I first ignored the discomfort I was feeling, but as I lay there staring at the ceiling (why do so few doctors put interesting pictures on the ceiling?) the pain started to outweigh my memory of past pelvic perusing parties. It finally hurt enough that I decided to pop my head up and see what the heck was going on down there.

My first sight was of the physician looking at my crotch with a perplexed look as he mumbled to himself. This prompted the nurse to put down her paperwork to come over and inspect things for herself. By this point, never the one to be shy about pain in my VAGINA, I managed to emit some sort of grunt indicating that I sensed a problem. They both looked up as if they were surpsrised I was there and the doctor said, "it's stuck." Stuck I thought? WHAT THE FUCK IS STUCK IN MY VAGINA? Then the nurse explained to me non-chalantly that "those darn plastic speculums are so worthless. They're always getting stuck in the open position." STUCK IN THE OPEN POSITION?!

Apparently as the doctor was trying to set the speculum it got stuck on the largest setting. For a moment the look on his face made me think he was considering bracing his foot against my thigh to get some leverage to pull it out by force. Luckily, the Goddess of Pelvic Exams intervened and the diabolical speculum was extracted without any permanent damage.

Needless to say I grabbed that prescription and high-tailed it out of there.

So next time they offer you metal or plastic...take the metal!!!

10 Deserve Mamma's Love:

jen said...

oh, um...ouch?

or double ouch. and thanks, b/c i would have normally gone for plastic. seems less chilly. but then there's this..

karrie said...

Aiiiyyyyyeeee! Ouch. Good to know though, since the metal ones look more intimidating.

Pony fantasies...heehee.

mamatulip said...

Oh. My. God.

That's horrible. But great blog fodder. ;)

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Great!

I once "spit" out the metal speculum at a GYN appointment. It wasn't funny. I was so embarrassed. It just shot right out when he turned to grab his pap-stick...oops.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Ew ew ew. And ouch. It's stories like this that make me dread the annual exam. Who invented Pap smears, I ask????

Jenny said...

Wow. I am due for the yearly, and this is not inspiring me to make that call.

IAI said...

Damn, I gave you some new street lingo and all you gave me was a cooch story? ;-)

I broke the plastic speculum once. Yes, broke it with my powerful pelvic muscles ... talk about traumatic. It took years to go back to the doctor, any doctor.

But I think if the thing got stuck, I would have really freaked out.

Mitch McDad said...

Just doing a little blog surfing and i stumble upon this. Dear Jesus!

I actually watched this produre take place when my wife was pregnant and I had just gotten oast the nightmares. Now I read this and I know they're coming back tonight. thanks for ruining my REM sleep.

marferne said...

Great, someone that has my sense of humor. I had lost all hope until I was looking for the inventor of pelvic exams. That sorry sap probably doesn't want anyone to find out who HE is. You know it has to be a man. No woman would want you to have to go through that crap. Keep up the writing. Enjoyed immensely.

Lawyer Mama said...

Oh. DEAR GOD! Amie, I missed this last year!

And now I can't stop laughing. Please forgive me.