I'm Going to Need More Stationery

What a night of correspondence!

First, there was this comment from the CEO of this sex toy company that demanded my attention. Of course, I had to reply. It would have been rude not to.

I do wish she had read more carefully. I wasn't dissing the toy. I was merely shocked by the price, which I've subsequently discovered is in line with other toys of its caliber. I offered to try out some of their other fine products and review them. Who knows if they'll take me up on my offer. I will say the Jollie is far more fun that it first appears.

Then it was on to organizing a little get together at my house. No RSVPs so far, but I might vacuum if they take me up on the invite.

Shakey walked through the room as I was composing the invitation. I thought I should give him the head's up that I was inviting all of the viable presidential candidates to the house. You know, since he lives there and all. I got the typical response: head shake.

It stinks that I can't surprise him anymore.

Tonight the Southern Living at Home invitations go out. They have a great deal for hostesses on their fireplace screen this month. I'm such a sucker. Sorry to any of you who get the invitations. I swear you don't have to buy anything!! Just come over. I'll have drinks!

So that's what's been on my writing desk. Can you imagine if I had had to do this all with quill and ink? Yet another reason to be glad I wasn't born in the 1700's.

Tales of Gail and Toothpaste

What do Gail and toothpaste have in common? Not much that I know of though I'm willing to bet that Gail uses it regularly. She's clean that way. But I need to talk about both of these things today.

First Gail.

A big thanks to everyone who has said hi. I'm sorry if I confused anyone. Gail doesn't have a blog (yet), but I'm trying to get her to start one. It would be filled with LOTS of juicy gossip I promise you. She just sent me some good stuff about my highschool friemesis. Heh.

Requests were made for a good Gail story. Unfortunately I don't have specific story to tell, but rather an effect to report. First you must understand that Mamma's Mamma is a bit of a goodie-goodie. She never smoked cigarettes, she never did drugs--except that one time she says my aunt made "marijuana cookies" and "you know how I just can't resist cookies. But I don't see what all the hype is. I just felt sleepy." Yep. That's my mom. She does enjoy her one martini a day, but she's not a big drinker either.

Unless she's out with Gail.

Mom, Gail and their two friends have labeled themselves the Fab Four. They get together once a month or so for a girl's night out (I'm sure this was Gail's idea). Now you see I have Gail to thank for loosening my Mamma up.

I called down to say hi during their annual girl's weekend and what did I find? My mamma giggling her ass off. Apparently the girls had been drinking for quite some time and Gail had just whipped out the cigars (and Gail if it wasn't you--don't burst my bubble now). My mamma (remember goodie-goodie girl?) started smoking a CIGAR!

So how can I not love a woman who can get the goodie-goodie girl to be bad? Ah, a true mentor!

As for the toothpaste...

There are many uses for toothpaste. There's, well, cleaning your teeth. And yet, there is so much more. According to the folks over at ThriftyFun.com you can use it for fixing DVDs, cleaning your jewelry and clearing up acne. It also works well as spackle and for hanging posters.

There is one thing though I'm pretty sure toothpaste should not be used near, and that my friends is your clitoris. Yep, I said it.

I'm not sure, poor Google searcher, how the terms "clitoris and toothpaste" led you to me, but if you want my opinion on the matter here it is.

Don't come near my nethers with toothpaste!

I understand that you may be looking for a cheap way to accomplish this, but please listen to Gloria Brame (and she's a sex therapist, you know) "I HATED IT- burn, burn, burn."

That is all I have to say about that.

Is It Already Over?

I can't believe prom is already just a memory.

Duuuuuuuuude! We had a killer time last night. You should have been there.

We had a well-stocked fridge.

The wine coolers! The Asti!! AND Michelobe Lite. The guys really got the good stuff for us.

We SO know how to party.

Don't we just make the cutest couple? I just know we're going to be together forEVAH. (try it was over six weeks later)

Insert Cheesy Prom Theme Here

Aeeeahheahhhhhhh!!! ((((hugs)))) (air kiss) (air kiss)

Oh. My. God! Y'alllllll. I'm so glad you're here!

Can you believe it?! It's our prom!!

You look SUH good! You're dress is gorgeous! And your hair....! Did you get it done? You had to have it done. Those tendrils. The curls. And look it doesn't move when you dance.

We went to the BEST party before dinner.

Look at all the couples. The guys all matched their cummerbunds and bowties to our dress or corsages.

EVERYONE was at the pre-prom party. We tried to sneak in some wine coolers. But her parents were SO uncool. We had to wait until we got in the limo.

Did you hear Arlene and Lynn got a limo for 14 people! It might have been big, but ours IS the party limo.

We had the coolest driver. He totally put up the privacy glass and didn't want to know WHAT we were doing in the back. The eight of us had the BEST ride over.

Did you have your picture taken yet? You HAVE to do it before you start dancing. You don't want to look all sweaty in your prom picture. I mean it's your PROM picture. You're going to have it forever!

What are you doing after? G got the radest hotel room. Y'all should come by.

OMG!! THAT is my favorite song. Gotta go dance.

(over her shoulder) Come find me if you go to the bathroom. I HAVE to show you my thigh highs!! G is so excited. He can't wait to see them. Hee hee hee hee.

Getting Ready for the Big Night

So tomorrow is the big night! I'm so excited I'm ready to pee my pants. Wonder Mom and Stinkfoot have already promised me a dance.

I was going to get a pedicure. I was going to get my hair done. BUT THIS IS A BLOG PROM! No primping necessary!!! I'd be lying of course if I said I hadn't done anything to prepare. For you my darling dates, I've been searching high and low for photos...photos I tell ya.

First a bit about my senior high school prom eve. Frankly, the details are a bit hazy. I do remember this. The dress was hung up on the back of the door just so it would "be ready." Now what it accomplished while it was hanging there, I have no clue.

I didn't visit the tanning bed as some of my sister Floridians decided to do. I was more of an "au naturel" kind of girl--though you won't believe that when you see the pictures tomorrow.

Anyway, to provide you with a bit of context, I thought I'd treat you to some other photographic evidence of my stint in high school.

First I need to admit that, yes, I was the senior class president. In my defense...crap I have no defense. Let's just say that I've learned my lesson since and I try my best to resist leadership positions at all costs. Who needs the headache? I already have three children.

So here I am on a "normal" high school day.

Note my early tendency to foresake primping for extra sleep. Hair in a ponytail and a t-shirt. Yep, that was me. Those metallic flats?! I saw some just like those at DSW this week. I guess we're on a 19 year fashion cycle.

There were other dances, of course, before my senior prom.

There was prom my freshman year:

Check out that hoop skirt!! I could have fit another date under there. I have to say though it was very cool. Lots of space to kick around. The date was by far the funniest and smartest of all my dance dates to follow. At the time, I wasn't smart enough to realize how much I should have prized those qualities. [shaking head with memories of very cute, very stupid boys]

Sophomore year I had a boyfriend who was my year, so no prom for me. We did attend a semi-formal however.

Pretty in Pink...isn't sheeeeee? Pretty. In. Pink.

You know it just occured to me that it was a semi-formal dance, so why the hell are those boys in tuxes?

Junior year, there was this hot number for another semi-formal.

Wasn't that cool the way I got my eyeshadow to match my dress?

I attended the prom that year with my best friend who was a senior. Oh how I LURVED him my freshman year. I kept telling him he had to take someone he could get busy with, but for some reason he insisted I was to be the date. We had an totally awesome time fer shure.

No that's not your screen. My face is a different color than the rest of my body. Where was my mother when I was doing that? For christ sakes woman! How could you let me go out of the house with THAT much powder on my face?! Oh and please note the awesome red sunglasses!

He got so wasted that night he decided I was THE one he was going to get busy with. The great friend that I am I laughed in his face, told him he was drunk and suggested he pass out on the other side of the bed. He didn't remember a bit of it the next morning. THANK GOODNESS!

So that's it. I'm all ready for our big night tomorrow. Please don't forget to visit with the other guests. I know they are all scurrying like mad to get their photos scanned.

Summer Lovin'

Happend so fast. Summer lovin'. Someone was having a blast.

Actually a number of someones.

Something about the pre-Fourth of July weekend must have been damn sexy in the late 60's/early 70's, because, as I've discovered cruising the blogosphere this week, there are a ton of last week of March babies running around.

For instance, there's my British friend, a Pissed-Off Housewife and then Kristin's husband. Speaking of husbands, Deb gets to celebrate hers with a husband who has culinary skills!

And there's been some recent additions to this prestigious club as well. Check out the link. The sextuplets are ADORABLE!! And one of the kiddos over at the Circus is celebrating as well this week.

All fabulous people of course. You know how I know? Cause I'm one of them!

Thirty-six years ago tonight I was all warm and cozy, ignorant of the cold cruel world. Some time during the next 24 hours the kid--who I like to say was conceived in the back of a Trans-Am most likely to Led Zepplin--was brought into this world. Lucky for me there was an incredible women waiting for just such a baby to be born and ten short days later I was hers.
She's been stuck with me ever since. Seriously, you should feel sorry for my mom.

Okay, enough pitiful attempts to garner some birthday wishes...we have some real love to talk about.

First, I still haven't been asked to the prom, BUT I do have a date to BlogHer. I am going, and I'm happy to report that the southern darling Canape (pronounced in her language as can-I-pee?) has asked me and I have gladly accepted.

Are you so jealous or what?

I got the cutest girl at the event to invite ME. Can you believe it?! Yeah, me either. I'm so excited I can barely stand it, but more on BlogHer and my fabulous date later.

What I'm jazzed about at this particular moment is that we are just hours away from our first annual blog prom weekend!

Over the next three days the folks on the guest list to the right will be blogging about their prom experience, or lack of prom experience, or about proms in general (hey it's the blogosphere--and I'm not that into rules). So join us if you'd like! And don't worry about getting a date. You'd just dump them as soon as you got there so you could hang out with us anyway.

Tell me you're coming and I'll add you to the guest list. And Leah--there was no link to your blog in my comments. Email me the address and I'll add you.

Oh, and there may be a prize, but don't tell anyone.

Now dig out those pictures. Make new ones. Tell us about prom. And get around to meet all of the guests. Mingle dammit! That's an order!

You wouldn't want to disappoint a girl on her birthday. Would you?!

Are You Getting Psyched?

Just a few days to go before the first annual Blog Prom.

Dust off the old pictures and get them scanned or dress up in your finest and snap away. And I'm warning you now, my prom was in 1988. Get ready for some hair!

This Saturday we're dancing! The guest list is coming soon. If you'd like to be included, let me know and I'll add you.

Here are the details:

On Friday, March 30th write a post about getting ready for the big night. Post any pre-prom pictures. Did you go to the tanning bed the day before? Did you have your hair done or did you do it yourself? How did you ask your date? How did your date ask you?

On Saturday, March 31 tell us about the night. And we want pictures!!! We want to see your terrific taffeta or lovely lace. Did you sport the powder blue tux or was it tails? Did you hoof to the dance or was their a fancy limo? What was the theme? Were you the queen/king?

On Sunday, April 1 we want to hear all about the after-party. Did you stay up all night? Where did you go? Again, pictures.

I wanna put on my, my, my, my, my boogie shoes and boogie with you.

Wanna Go To the Prom?

So I've been thinking...um...well...you see there's this dance...and...um...well...

Wanna go with me?

I'm proposing we have a blog prom. I have no idea if someone else is already hosting one, but why not go to two? I mean you'll have the dress/tuxedo and all.

So here's what I'm thinking. Let's do it the last weekend in March. I know it's a little early for the "traditional" prom season, but hey that's what's great about not being in high school anymore. We can have prom whenever we want to.

So start digging through your photo albums and pull out those dusty old pictures, get them scanned. We're having ourselves a prom!

And this isn't going to be a one night affair. We want to see you getting ready, we want to see your ride, the flowers, your date, the after-party...the whole shebang. Didn't go to prom? Tell us about what you did instead or get dressed up and take some pictures of yourself to share.

On Friday, March 30th write a post about getting ready for the big night. Post any pre-prom pictures. Did you go to the tanning bed the day before? Did you have your hair done or did you do it yourself? How did you ask your date? How did your date ask you?

On Saturday, March 31 tell us about the night. And we want pictures!!! We want to see your terrific taffeta or lovely lace. Did you sport the powder blue tux or was it tails? Did you hoof to the dance or was their a fancy limo? What was the theme? Were you the queen/king?

On Sunday, April 1 we want to hear all about the after-party. Did you stay up all night? Where did you go? Again, pictures.

Let me know if you want to go and I'll start a guest list. If anyone knows how to make a button so you can tell people about it and post it on your blog, I'd be happy to include it. I'm just not that talented--yet.

I'll also start thinking about categories for a prize or two. I went to the prom in the late 80's, so I can promise LOTS of hair. Any other ideas to make the prom better? Let me know. You can be on the prom committee too.

So that's it. That's my idea. I hope you wanna go with me. I think we'll have fun...my dad's going to let me borrow his car.

Spice Up Your Holiday!

Day 26
Mood: Rested and Ready

Just when you thought it was going to be another boring holiday with the family...the fine folks on the web bring you a terrific idea to transform your gathering from Ho Hum to HO HO!

Movies and Mischief

Day 24
Mood: Relaxin'

Just finished watching Thank You For Smoking. Aaron Eckhart is a babe (though he's no Patrick Dempsey--don't worry Patrick I haven't given up on you)! Do you think Katie Holmes thought her role in the movie would be an omen for her decision to ride Tom Cruise's wave to stardom? I mean I know I'm supposed to support my fellow woman...and I usually do...but seriously?! Tom Cruise?

I gotta say if any guy I was dating started jumping up and down on couches--even if it was on the Oprah Winfrey show--I'd have to end the relationship right there. There's no place you can go but down when a guy is that crazy about you. The pressure to be that perfect would be too much. You couldn't burp, you couldn't floss your teeth in front of him, shoot forget getting a wrinkle or swearing during labor. What if you gnashed teeth during sex or bonked heads when he went in for a kiss? Without a full time director choreographing your every lovemaking scene there'd be a strong chance that his rose-colored lenses would get dirty.

The pressure! I have a hard enough time remembering to wear matching panties and bra on date night. Then add shaving your legs and maybe getting your nails done? Better schedule all of my big events in the same week, because I'm not going to be able to keep up that look for too long.

Oh and along the same lines...here's another fun product that found its way across my screen. Yet another step in ever-lengthening process to be beautiful. I think I'm going to go for the pink, if only for the reaction. Though with my luck the timing of the process would probably coincide with the need for some emergency gynecological exam. I know my esthetician's seen it all before, but my ob/gyn? I blush just seeing him if I've recently had a bikini wax. I mean I know he's delivered two of my children...but does he need to know I have sex too?

Is Your Banana Safe?

Day 17

Mood: Happy

Today was a great day!!

Here's a little nugget I found on the web that I hope will make your day just a little brighter.

And it actually seems to be for real.

Watch tomorrow for yet another great shopping find.

Don't forget Merit Badge Day coming up this Sunday. Go ahead...tell us what award you earned this week.

Delayed Gratification

Day Four
Mood: Relaxed/Sore

I love spring flowers. I can almost smell the scent of suntan lotion as soon as the bulbs start peaking up through the dirt.

Now that I'm a homeowner (okay I've been a homeowner for a while but in comparison to the length of my life it hasn't been that long) I feel the need to fill my gardens with daffodils, tulips and irises. And every year when they bloom I'm left with the feeling that I still haven't planted quite enough. So today I made the trek to Costco to buy bulbs (at noon on a Saturday no less--what kind of masochist am I? Well, there are all the free samples).

At first I thought I may have waited too late to find them. But lo and behold there they were. Bags of 50 bulbs for $11.99 each! Score! I left with three.

Well it was all a great plan in my head until I realized that it meant I had to plant 150 bulbs (actually 180 since I already had a bag of 30 taunting me in the car port)! And for some reason, it never occured to me to do this math until I arrived home. Yeah, I never was a mathlete.

It's November 4th as you know, so I don't have a whole lot of time to get these "bolts" (as Mr. 4 calls them) planted. So out in the yard I went this afternoon armed with an "as seen on TV" bulb-hole drill bit lent to me by my neighbor and the desire to plant my bulbs.

These things always work as well as they promise on tv.

The first 50 went in quickly--or so I thought--until I looked in the bag and realized that there were two packages in each bag. UGH! Of course with the "help" I received from Mr. 10 and Mr. 4 the job went even more quickly--yeah right.

I finally convinced Mr. 10 that I was not going to let him use the drill--like I'm sharing the power tools--and Mr. 4 departed soon after I took back control of the shovel, so the process sped up a bit. But I didn't beat the dark. One hundred in the ground...only 80 more to go.

So much for sleeping in tomorrow morning.

PS--In searching for the image a daffodils I wanted to include on this post I realize that 180 aren't nearly going to be enough. If I could just remember from one year to the next where I planted them.