Monday, June 29, 2009

But I Don't Feel Like It

Tell me I can't doing something and that's all I want to do.

Tell me to do something and I'll find every other possible thing that needs to be done.

Why oh why do I have such authority issues? They aren't convenient either professionally or personally. Do I get to blame a parent? A rogue police officer from my past?

Guess I have to suck it up, put on my big girl panties and perform any number of other cliches and get busy doing?

Yeah. That's what I thought.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dear Small People in My Bed

Dear Small People* Who Climb into Bed with me at Night,

It sends warm fuzzy feelings directly to my heart just thinking about the fact that the most comforting thing to you is to sleep nestled up against me.

BUT, we must have some rules. Trust me, following these will come in handy later in life. I can’t get into the WHY now, but I promise. I’m your mom. Would I lie to you?

  1. Humans lie PARALLEL to each other in bed.

  2. Limbs are to remain still--even during dream state. Flinging and flailing of extremities is strictly prohibited.

  3. Wetting the bed is not appreciated—especially when you leave your co-sleeper with the wet spot to sleep in.

  4. All nails must be trimmed neatly. Drawing blood is highly frowned upon by most except for the random girls who read Twilight one too many times and really?? That trend will be tired by the time you’re old enough to understand what a freak your mom is for giving you these helpful hints for “co-sleeping.”

*No! I’m not talking about THOSE little people, I finished with that phase back in '97. Jeez, keep up!

**The same mom who worries weekly about the kind of mate you will make later in life, and winces just a little each day for the men or women who might have to live with your love of fart humor and inability to pee INTO the toilet.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Facebook Sprinkles Site with Crack

Facebook has tried to keep the fact under wraps since early 2008, but today fabulously famous blogger MammaLoves (aka Amie Adams) revealed the truth.

"I was ignoring my family. I was wearing dirty clothes. I couldn't get enough. My life was falling apart! It wasn't until my dog licked the computer screen showing Facebook and I noticed her madly dash in circles chasing her tail did I realize drugs were involved."

Ms. Adams accuses Facebook of including games like Bejeweled Blitz and Pathwords on its site as a cover to emit crack fumes therefore rendering users unable to click off of the site.

Facebook sources refuse to comment on Ms. Adams' accusations, but say Facebook works hard to promote a clean and healthy environment for its users as evidenced by their diligent effort to prevent photos of mothers nursing babies from soiling their pages.

The dog was quoted as saying, "dude."