On The Road

Well Hi from Miami!

Hanging out in the Sunshine state for a business conference and wishing the sun would shine. It's hard to complain when it's forty degrees warmer here than home, but there's no sun. False adverstising!!

Speaking of false advertising, don't ever stay at the Miami Beach Resort and Spa. I was all excited about having four days at a swanky resort and well...I think they filmed Scarface at this hotel. I swear Al Pacino is going to come around the corner any minute. Remember metallic wallpaper? They love it here. Requested a king-sized bed, got two doubles--doubles! Don't these people understand that I spend most of my bed time at home sleeping with at least one if not two or three other people? I was all about spreading out on a huge bed, hogging all the pillows. But no. Two flat pillows, a double bed (not queen mind you). My grandmother has mattresses that are newer than ones in my room. I sat down last night and was greeted with a lovely spring to the butt. Being here without my husband, I wasn't expecting so much action.

Anyway, avoid this place. If you do have recommendations for fun places to see in Miami Beach, please send them my way. I have time to kill over the next few days. I might have to go fishing if nothing else (see below).

Hanging out with fun people on the trip. No bloggers in the group so they all think it's a bit weird that I have a blog. The universal opinion seems to be that they don't want to pry into someone's personal diary. I tried to assure them that's not what they would find. We'll see if they check it out.

So for the record...Mamma Loves...

White Boy #1
The Other White Boy
BossLady
and last but certainly not least...
The Chinese Redneck.

Before I get any angry comments, the term "white boy" refers to their lack of tans and the Chinese Redneck gave herself that name. She loves to fish. Please do not mistake these for racial slurs. Racism is something Mamma Does NOT Love.

Oscars: The 12:17 a.m. Wrap-Up

Holy Christmas!! It's finally over.

So The Departed. That was a surprise. I think Babel was a terrific movie but most people probably fell asleep while watching it and never found out how it ended so they didn't feel like they could vote for it.

I was bummed Cars didn't win for best animated film. But I get to see it so many times a week (thanks Mr. 3) that I'll keep appreciating it despite it's runner-up status.

I was surprised Peter O'Toole didn't win. He's been nominated what 8 times and he's not looking so healthy. I was sure the academy was going to go with the "body of work" vote there.

Martin Scorcese--oh my god I would HAVE to be acting WITH Leonardo DiCaprio (with a sex scene) to act in a movie that man directed. I think he would annoy me after just a few seconds (though I'm sure he's a lovely man).

And Leo...oh I could just look at him forever. So glad Ellen pointed him out for our benefit in her monologue.

So that's it for my wrap-up. Back to the painting. I'm almost done. A lovely pale yellow.

Oscars: The 11:49 p.m. Update

People! Don't you know I need to get to bed. It's 11:49 p.m. and you just got to the dead people montage. By the way, I forgot Don Knotts died last year.

Ugh! I don't even really care about the Oscars...that's the funny thing.

I leave for Miami in the morning and I'm putting the third coat of paint on my bathroom so Shakey can have it back while I'm gone and crap I still have to pack. The Oscars are just keeping me company right now. Well and you of course.

Oscars: The 10:38 p.m. Update

The Best Supporting Actress category was definitely filled with some incredible actresses. Jennifer Hudson. And she really did seemed shocked. I love that someone can work hard and actually have their dream come true. Man has her life changed in just a short time!

And Gwyneth Paltrow's dress? She is always so classy! Kate Blanchett's and Helen Mirren's are beautiful too.

Oscar: The 9:30 p.m. Update

Do you think Al is really considering a run? I've heard more and more people talking about being interested in him as a candidate. Maybe he's just letting Clinton and Obama battle it out and then he'll sweep in with fresh money when they're all bloody and limping.

What'd you think?

First Oscar Post Tonight

Okay, we're just getting started, but did you hear Ellen's good joke about America not voting for her on American Idol and then being nominated for an Oscar and then America voting for Al Gore and him here nominated for an Oscar.

Funny stuff Ellen!!

Don't Piss the Mommies Off!!

A giant THANK YOU to all of the terrific folks who reached out to me today with the supportive comments. I will come back and properly thank you in a moment, but now? Now I must go yell at MySpace.

I'm sure you've heard, they're removing breastfeeding pictures--but the soft-core porn shots of all the teenage girls can stay. I'm off to go set up an account and post a breastfeeding image.

I'll be back.

Bad Blogosphere Day

Up until today I loved the blogosphere. I mean I hearted it in a major way. In a very short time I have become addicted to the entertainment, community and insight I derive from reading others and writing on my own.

But that all ended today.

I plopped myself in front of my computer first thing this morning as I do each day and what was waiting for me but some comments. Well I love comments--the affirmation, sweet affirmation--so I dove right in. But the first one...oh the first one...it changed everything.

Anonymous left me a comment today telling me that I had made an awful comment about a homeless mother on another blog and that they came over to tell me just how mean I am.

My first reaction was sheer hurt. What had I said? Where did I say it? I scanned my list of regular reads, I picked through a few possible posts to see what I wrote. But nothing. Now I'm no saint despite the fact that I may hang out with some, but I don't make a habit of leaving rude or thoughtless comments on others blog. The fact that I might have hurt someone's feelings upset me. The idea that someone thought I was being mean really upset me. The fact that it involved another mother was even worse.

After a while the hurt gave way to anger. You know if this person really had an issue with me, they didn't HAVE to read my blog. They COULD have sent me an email to tell me they thought my comment was inappropriate, they COULD have had the guts to leave their name so I could find out where this incident had taken place and either apologize or explain.

I have to say that all the blogs I read today I read with a jaded eye. For the first time, I couldn't just enjoy the writing or become intrigued by an idea without wondering if the author was Anonymous. And that made me very, very sad.

The problem with writing is that meaning is often left to interpretation. And I'm well aware of the number of "mommas" there are out there, so there is room for confusion. But this whole thing has got me wondering if I want to continue to participate in the blogosphere.

Things That Made Me Laugh Today

Via Joe. My. God. Some people just know how to get right to the point.

And our friend at The Centurion Diaries brings us yet another example.

Okay so I'm in a bad mood and don't have much more to add to the laughter...but these really did crack me up.

Reason #375...

for not allowing your children to bring snacks into your bed.



I woke up with a raisin on my butt this morning!

The Sunday Trumpet

Interestingly, the Sporadic Gasbag Series has turned into a regular weekly event.

Without further ado, I direct you to Attila's site for a review of Tin Cup by Nightmare of Smells Like Bullshit.

Due to Blogger issues, the post isn't on his site, however I urge you to check him out (I'm assuming Nightmare is a man). You may want to make your way through a number of his other posts. His irreverance will certainly be guaranteeing him a spot alongside many of the rest of us...in HELL!!

Hope you're all enjoying a lovely weekend. Here in the nation's capital we're having ourselves a three day weekend...we're patriotic that way...so it's like Saturday all over again!!

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If you'd like to join the Gasbags, sign up here!

We're getting to the end of our first review rotation, so now would be a good time to join us!

Previous reviews this season:

The Eleventh

Looking Beyond the Cracked Window

A Droll Way to Look at Things

Miss Keeks

Sven's Personal Memos

My Beautiful Life

Sweet Perdition

Cheaper Than Therapy

Enema Portal For Groan-ups

Basement Epiphanies

Tom's Hideaway

A Tykes Progress

Kate's Itisi

Mamma Loves

Dreams of MILFdom

It's been a while since I've provided an update, and there is a reason for that. There's really no update to be had.

And so I have a confession to make.

I self-medicate...WITH FOOD!

Something goes wrong and I think it's an excuse to eat. You get sick, "oh you deserve to treat yourself if since you're suffering." Someone hurts your feelings, "my heart is broken...chocolate will help." You're pissed off, "Screw it...I can eat whatever I want."

You think I have a problem?

No kidding!!

I'm often reminded of that episode of Friends when Phoebe's boyfriend reminds Monica that food doesn't equal love.

I totally know how that feels though. When things seem out of control I eat as revenge. It's like I figure other people might be making decisions for me that I don't like, but dammit I'll show them and eat whatever the hell I want. Why do I not desire to take out that anger in the form of exercise?! I'd be a freakin' babe!

Okay, the more I write here, the more I think it's time to call up that shrink in Beverly Hills...

The first step is acknowledging the issue right?

I am committed to future MILFdom. I know Iive got a MILF inside me. I just need to shed the fat girl suit she seems to be wrapping herself in right now.

I'm grateful for the weekly reminder to get back in the game. And I promise to report progress soon...but it would be a lot easier if carbs didn't taste SO good.

Random Updates & A To Do

1. I can skate on my backyard...and I live in Virginia. WTF? It is pretty fun to slide around though. I'm just worried about landing on my dupa.

2. My a**...it still hurts like a mo' fo' (see yesterday's post.) Oh and the purple? It's darker--much darker.

3. Speaking of a**es. You want to be a pain in the a**? Karen over at Troll Baby has been slapped with a meme. As part of it, she's going to answer any question you ask her in the comments on this post. Go ahead. You have to read the comment string if nothing else. Lots of farts and M&Ms.

Hope you had a good Thursday!

M is for Martyr Mother

What we parents won't do to protect our children.

Carrying Mr. 3 downstairs last night in the midst of an inconsolable crying jag, my foot went out from underneath me as I descended the stairs. Wanting to protect him, guess what took the brunt of the fall!

As if my ass wasn't big enough to start with, NOW I have a lump the size of a fist on my right cheek!

I think it's too bad Shakey's real name doesn't begin with a "C." I could have wooed him with some romantic story of branding myself in his honor.

On the bright side, Mr. 10 thinks it looks like a horseshoe, so maybe it's a mark of good luck.

Guess the swimsuit cover is out this year!

As If Six Weird Things Weren't Enough...

I've been smacked with a meme by my friend canape. Five slightly odd facts about myself.

Having just shared Six Weird Things not too long ago I'm wondering how to define "slightly odd." I mean, if it's only supposed to be slightly odd does that mean I shouldn't share my fantasies involving certain Rolling Stones songs? No? Okay.

In that case...here's five slightly odd things about moi.

1. I have guilt over my toothpaste. I changed to Colgate toothpaste over the past year or so, and I still feel bad about it. You see I'm fairly brand loyal, and I grew up a Crest kid. But Colgate Total just rocks!

2. I am compelled to read. I don't mean I have to read books all the time. I mean if I am somewhere and there are words to read I will read them and reread them to pass time. I can't just sit in a waiting room and veg out. I'll read whatever magazines are there, signs on the wall, labels on the furniture...you get the picture.

3. I married Shakey. Let me give you an example...

Mamma: I need to come up with five slightly odd things about myself.
Shakey: Oh you mean like the fact that you have a six inch clitoris?
Mamma: ??!!

(Like if I did I'd be spending my time blogging.)

4. My index fingers are not straight. I've always hated that. I used to try and push them back the other way...it never worked. It's like they'll miss my middle fingers too much if they stand out straight.



5. I have extra urine "propelling" powers in that I have an extra ureter running from my right kidney. That's right, a grand total of three ureters for Mamma. Know anyone who needs one? I have an extra.

Sorry, no picture for this one. The MRI is still with the doc.

Thanks canape for that fun. Can't imagine the kind of traffic I'm going to get tonight over these nuggets.

Okay, I'll tag out now. The lucky recipients? Mitch McDad, Kevin, St. Jude, the chicas de JJ and Attila. Play along if you'd like.

Don't forget, you only have a few more hours left to tell me how much you adore me!! Go ahead, send me a Valentinr...look to your right.

The Beauty of Greece

It's no secret I love this man. But tonight, he forced that love to a whole new level.

You have to check out this post!!

My Turn to Toot

Sorry my fellow Strumpets (ala St. Jude), we had new twins born in the "family" and I was with them today. As wonderful and beautiful as they are, it is nice to know I am home now with an actual chance of a good night's sleep.

So without further ado...

As a distinguished member of The Sporadic Gasbag Roundtable (okay I asked and they said I could join), today is my turn to throw up the caution flags and wave off all unsuspecting consumers of a really stinking book movie or TV show.

I've considered my subject all week long, and honestly until just now had thought all media was up for grabs and had planned to steer you clear of last week's Newsweek cover story, because frankly...is that news? No. And dear editors: Are daughters are NOT that stupid...they see a trainwreck for what it is.

But I have to choose from books, movies and TV, so here it is...

The selection for Mamma's bookclub last month (I don't own it I just belong...again I had to beg) was universally voted the least favorite of the year. Please if you will, do not bother with Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind by Ann B. Ross (as opposed to Ann B. Davis).

The story is of said Miss Julia a sixty-something widow in a small southern town who all of the sudden is confronted with her husband's young boy after he is unceremoniously deposited on her front porch. It follows her "trauma" of trying to figure out how she will face her home town under such embarrassing circumstances, trying to find the boy's mother, the reappearance of the mother and a custody situation dealing with shifty relatives of the boy's mom.

Nevermind that out of 117 reviews on Amazon.com it receives four and half stars. There wasn't a character in the book save the poor little boy who was remotely interesting or sympathetic. Ms. Ross played on every cliche of small southern towns and their inhabitants and traditional and tongue-speaking religious congregations, and then neatly tied it all up with a happy ending in 288 pages. The only thing I can say in its defense is that it was a quick read.

So there you have it. Don't waste your time. And if this was your favorite book of all time, I'm sorry I disagree. Please feel free to let me know what you loved about it.

**********************************************************************

If you'd like to join the Gasbags, sign up here!

We're getting to the end of our first review rotation, so now would be a good time to join us!

Previous reviews this season:
The Eleventh
Looking Beyond the Cracked Window
A Droll Way to Look at Things
Miss Keeks
Sven's Personal Memos
My Beautiful Life
Sweet Perdition
Cheaper Than Therapy
Enema Portal For Groan-ups
Basement Epiphanies
Tom's Hideaway
A Tykes Progress

A Valentine for Me?! You Shouldn't Have!

I found this fun widget through Slacker-Moms-R-Us. Looked sort of fun and since it's the season and all.

Only a few days to go before the florists' all-nighter. Are you prepared? Did you get a card for your mom? Hurry, you better get going!

Oh, and feel free to send a little love my way, cause hey, Mamma Loves Love!!

And don't tell anyone, but she's really hoping JJ might get wind of this and send her one!!


Get your own valentinr

When?

Thirty-seven is right around the corner and I can't tell you how surprising that is to me. I thought that at thirty-seven I'd have arrived. I thought I'd know a few things. I thought I'd feel like an adult.

But at thirty-six and eleven twelfths, I don't.

Sure career (check), married (check), kids (check), house (check), book club (check), some grey hairs (check). It certainly looks like thirty-seven doesn't it.

But on the inside, it's a whole other story!

On the best of days I'm still shocked that I have been entrusted with children. At work as a consultant, I still giggle at the idea that people pay ME to tell them what to do. On the not so best of days, I'm not so sure where I am is where I want to be and I worry that this is not at all what I had in mind but I might just be stuck with it...and then I panic.

Is this what it's going to be forever? Is it too late to change? But I didn't know then what I know now. It might have made some different decisions. But I didn't! What do I do?!

And then all of the sudden it feels like I'm twenty-two again without any idea of what to do iwth my life. More accurately probably it feels a bit like seventeen, except that at seventeen I thought I knew everything!

When will I feel like the confident grown-up? When? Because just now it finally feels like I have enough information to decide where to go. But I've already gotten pretty far down the road.

Anna's Gone!

I'd like to thank the handsome Jay for bringing me up to date on the latest breaking news. I was too busy reading all of your blogs to notice.

Anna Nicole Smith has died.

Was there anything left of her that was organic anyway?

Change Happens

When I was younger I loved midnight. Midnight was when the party started. Midnight meant excitement. Midnight made my blood boil. When I was younger, I embraced midnight with all the energy I had and basked in its electricity and rhythm on a thumping dance floor. When I was younger midnight was mine!

But now I'm older. Now I stare at midnight as I lie in bed, and I dread what it holds. Now that I'm older, staring at midnight reminds of responsibilities--responsibilities that await in the morning. Now that I'm older, the world doesn't make it easy to enjoy midnight and take care of those responsibilities too. Every once in a while, I might forget and experience the briefest memory of the potential that midnight used to hold, but all too soon I am shaken from that daze as reality comes flying in and smacks me in the face.

Had I know this then, I think I might have permanently set my watch to midnight. But I didn't, and time has marched on.

This is what I have to say to you today.

One of Those Days

Today sucked. It sucked like one of Mr. Oreck's vacs picking up a bowling ball. It sucked like Mark Foley dreaming of a Congressional page. Anyway, you get the point. Today sucked.

But there was one bright spot and I want to acknowledge it. There was one thing, one thought that brought a sparkle to my eye. And for that I want to say a huge THANK YOU!!!!

And for all the shit that made me feel like crap today all I have to say is fuck you.

How's that for sharing on this blog what I really feel?

Tonight, Only Three Years Ago

Three years ago tonight I was laying on a plastic covered matress readying my nipples for a couple weeks of trauma, my boobs for a long trip south, my brain for a year (actually 18 months) of no sleep, my hormones for a roller coaster ride, my thick shiney hair for a mass exodus and my mood for a bit of a dark period.

But I didn't care about all of that, because three years ago tonight I had a brand new baby boy.

Well and because three years ago tonight, I had drugs.

Ah the sweet sweet ignorance of a drug-induced haze!

Happy Birthday Mr. 3.

His Royal Purpleness

The powers that be that put on the Super Bowl need to offer Prince whatever he wants to perform at the halftime show FOREVER!!

Despite not being a Minnesoooootan, I'm a big fan! And he did not disappoint tonight!

Billy who?

The little man rocked!!

Did you catch the part with the big white sheet and the silhouette? It's probably the tallest Prince has ever been. Shakey wondered aloud if the same trick would work to make one's penis look bigger. Just as he uttered it, Prince turned sideways and proved the hypothesis true--oh wait that was his guitar.

Can You Hear the Call?

It's the Sporadic Gasbag Roundtable, coming to us this week from our friend Kate.

Kate, a girl after my own heart, sat down to read a book and decided she had to finish it. As a matter of fact, she had to finish a whole series--even though it was horrible! Sooner or later I may decide life is too short to finish bad books, apparently Kate hasn't made the decision yet.

Go on over to her site and check out her review of the Shopaholic series. It's always helpful to know what to avoid!!

Next week it's my turn. I'm all stressed trying to decide what to review. Any suggestions will be seriously considered.

If you'd like to join the Gasbags, sign up here!

We're getting to the end of our first review rotation, so now would be a good time to join us!

Previous reviews this season:

The Eleventh

Looking Beyond the Cracked Window

A Droll Way to Look at Things

Miss Keeks

Sven's Personal Memos

My Beautiful Life

Sweet Perdition

Cheaper Than Therapy

Enema Portal For Groan-ups

Basement Epiphanies

Tom's Hideaway

A Tykes Progress

Billy! What Was That?

I love Billy Joel. I'm so glad he's getting back into making rock and roll. But what the hell was that version of the national anthem?

Are you watching the game? I'm sorry. You need someone who's going to belt it out.

Blog Guilt

I haven't posted in a few days and I'm actually suffering from blog guilt.

Now Shakey might define "blog guilt" as the guilt a blogger SHOULD experience as they ignore their in-person family to spend time posting and reading other blogs, but I am experiencing something a little different.

I'm feeling guilty because I've been lying in bed trying to get better (yes I have strep for the third time in six weeks--and I'm not a sickly person), and meanwhile I can't come up with any coherent thoughts that seem worthy of sharing. Now I certainly have a few things I've been batting around...but nothing that seems to entertain even me.

So once again, I present you with the detritus bouncing around in my noggin.

How many TV personalities made their "breakthrough" via a natural disaster? Certainly, Anderson Cooper let himself be blown around a few hurricanes before he started "keeping them honest" after Katrina. After watching way too much CNN, I'm predicting that Rob Marciano will be next. Not to belittle the awful tornadoes that hit FL this week, but I think people are going to start noticing how cute he really is...though Soledad is down there too, so he may not get all the camera time Anderson commanded by his willingness to be blown away.

Don't hold this against me...I was in a sorority. Now I've heard all the criticisms...you had to buy your friends, etc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't really know anyone when I arrived at school. It was a good way to meet some folks. I don't think I would have survived the process at a big state school...I just can't maintain a smile (or withhold snarky comments) that long, but in New Orleans it was a whole different thing. There was no living in the sorority house because that would have been a violation of the brothel laws--you HAVE to love New Orleans--so you didn't spend all your time with just "sisters." Besides, we had the opportunity for a social life outside of the "greek" world because well it's hard not to have a social life in NOLA.

I definitely didn't "love" (say with high-pitched BFF voice) all the women in my sorority. There was a division of members between the cool women and the "muffins." You see the "muffins" followed all the rules. They didn't talk during meetings, they always attended all mandatory events and for the most part they didn't get sloppy at parties. However, I met the woman who is my best friend in the whole world through my sorority, so I consider any of the crap that belonging to a sorority met totally worth it.

Said best friend, PFunky, was a "muffin" during college...or so I thought. Turns out that was just the image she chose to project to most--well that and she still feels the need to follow most rules.
It was living in DC after college that I learned that she had more of a "past." It all became very clear when during a camping trip at the beach (ugh the mosquitos!) under the influence of a number of substances--not the least of which was probably all the DEET--she leaned over to me and declared, "you know I might be a muffin on the outside...but I'm a jalapeno pepper on the inside."

I spit beer everywhere at that statement.

And why am I talking about all of this? Because for some random reason I pulled out an old sorority sweatshirt to keep me warm today. And I just cracked myself up going out in the world at 36 with greek letters on. I don't know if anyone else thought it was as funny as I did. Maybe it's the illness...but hell if I can't crack myself up, who can?

So like I said, and I think I've proven through this drivel, I just don't have anything worthy to offer up right now. But I'll keep trying. I hope you'll hang with me.

KC Loves His Parents and Rocks the Perfect Post

This month I nominate this post about his parents by Kevin Charnas as the Perfect Post.

I started reading Kevin by way of Jessica at Oh The Joys. At the time, he was modeling for us all of his potential Halloween costumes and I was hooked immediately. Kevin's wry and outrageous humor kept me coming back, but in between his hysterical storytelling he has woven some beautiful tributes to the people and ideas he is passionate about--and the post I nominated is one such example. Please take a few minutes to visit with Kevin and hear about the love he has for his parents. As a mom, I could only hope my sons would feel the same way about me some day.

The Perfect Post Awards
Each month the wonderful ladies over at Petroville and Suburban Turmoil host the Perfect Post awards. Bloggers are encouraged to nominate their favorite posts from the past month for such an award. Please go over to their sites to check out the other nominees for January.