The Post I Might Delete Later

I'm in a really bad mood. Lately, I haven't posted when this happens because I worry what I might say when I do. Too many people I care about stop by here on occasion and I don't want them to fret over me.

But today I remembered that my attraction to writing developed during my teen years as a way to get the thoughts out of my head. As a fairly outgoing person, you might be surprised by the size of the crowd and level of volume that can be reached in my brain.

I don't hear voices per se (cause damn if I did they might have answers), but rather have conversations with myself--constantly.

So back in those hormone-filled days of angst, I often wrote letters to people as a way to say the things I didn't feel I could say/or didn't have the opportunity to say in person. I never sent the letters. I don't remember burning any of them. Who knows? My mom could be sitting on a stack of them right now waiting for the perfect time to embarrass the crap out of me. The letters didn't necessarily make me feel any better, but they seemed to quiet the sounds that prevented me from noticing the rest of the world and moving on.

Like many bloggers I know, I do keep a private blog where, to this day, I still write letters. Interestingly, putting my thoughts out there feels safer than recording them in a journal that someone might happen upon. There is further irony to that blog, but for now I'll enjoy that by myself.

Do you have a place you write that is separate from your public blog? Are there topics that you only cover there?

As I wander through the blogosphere I read about a vast number of topics that are finally seeing the light of day. Moms are opening up about topics ranging from sex to the trials of PPD. Women are discussing the frustration and heartbreak of infertility. People of all walks of life are sharing the trials of serious illness, depression, racism, bullying, addiction, the death of loved ones and abuse. These brave people are sharing a part of themselves in a way that allows the rest of us to not feel so alone in the world. In my mind, they are the pillars of the social networking community.

What I've noticed though is that there seems to be one topic that remains fairly off limits (unless addressed anonymously). I understand why. Many people have discussed their reasons for not talking about it. I see this in my real life friendships too.

I just have to ask though...when will we all stop pretending like marriage is easy??

Writing, Music and Me

Once upon a time, I wrote when my brain swirled with thoughts. As a teenager, that usually involved a broken heart or anger at my parents, but it always helped to sit down and just write and write and write until I was exhausted. I would say everything that I felt like I couldn't say out loud or didn't have the opportunity to say. Writing rarely changed the outcome of the situation, but it was cathartic.

I never was a journal keeper. I tried many times. I love a blank book like nobody else, but I could never keep up a journal. I wanted to. It just never worked--unless I was sad or mad.

Two years ago a friend started a blog and I was intrigued by the concept. My brain never stops. Many nights falling asleep is a challenge because I just can't seem to turn it off. A blog seemed like a perfect place to put those thoughts--and honestly, I was tired of watching my husband shake his head in amused disbelief as I shared yet another of my thoughts. And for the past year, writing regularly has been fairly easy. Like I said. Many thoughts.

Lately, I've been struck by an ironic shift. I don't seem to be able to write when I have serious emotions I need to get out.

There are some thoughts I've been stewing over lately, thoughts I need to get out, but for once writing (at least here) doesn't seem like the best way to exorcise them from my head. Hence, the infrequent posts of late. Luckily, the wonderful Christine (you have no idea how tempting it was to call you Christina on purpose *grin*), who parenthetically may be my soul sister, sent me a few interview questions a while back and it has provided me with some fodder for a post.

So without further ado...


1) Who is your ideal candidate for president?

Elizabeth Edwards.

Unfortunately, she's not running. Honestly, I don't know that my ideal exists. That's the problem. I've invited all of the major candidates to come by my house. I really don't live that far from DC. I have just one question that I'd like each to answer. All of their big "plans" and "policies" aside, how would their Presidency make the world a safer and more prosperous place for my children?

Name three songs that define important events in your life, what are they and what memories do they bring?

At first this was a difficult question to answer. Many songs have strong associations for me--some reminding me of a person or a particular place. Many ellicit strong emotional reactions, and yet none of them defined the important events of my life. It seems too easy to say, "oh this is the song we danced to at our wedding" but that felt cliche. Instead, I've selected three that are by no means my favorites or the three most important songs to me, but rather three that define major steps in my life.

Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
As silly as it is, this is the first 45 I owned. I received it as a present for my fifth or sixth birthday. I think from my "cousin" Matthew. I included it because it marks the point in my life when I remember having my own "tastes" (for whatever that says about them--give me a break it was the 70's).

Fly Me To the Moon by Frank Sinatra
I have warm memory tied to this song. The details aren't important. The significance is difficult to describe. What it boils down to is that I've lead my life not always believing I was truly lovable. This song reminds me that it is possible.

Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder
Okay, this may be confusing, because anyone who has read my blog knows that I don't have any girls. It's a penis-filled house here in VA (well except for me of course). Oddly enough, this song makes me think of my three boys though. It's such a beautiful song about becoming a parent and the overwhelming amount of love that enters your life with the arrival of your child. When I hear this song, I think about rocking those little babe-o-lahs in my arms and dancing around singing to them. There is nothing like the big, toothless smile of baby to melt your heart.

3) Without thinking, write the first sentence that comes to mind. Now, explain it.

I'm hungry.

Boy you have no idea how loaded this sentence is! I really am hungry right now. The cheese and crackers I had earlier didn't really cut it as dinner. And they shouldn't have. I have an unfortunately complicated relationship with food. I love it and I hate it all at the same time. I've written about my challenges with my weight in the past. I love food. I love tasting it and sharing it with others. But, I don't eat for health, and that's a problem. I hate that I battle my weight. I hate what I think it says about me. In my head it tells the world I'm a glutton and lazy and disgusting and every other awful description you can come up with, and yet I can't seem to stop doing it.

4) If you could leave today, and land anywhere and with whomever you wanted, and start a new life, where would you be and with who?

The where is easy. It would definitely be a warm sunny beach--turquoise blue water, white sand and a light warm breeze. The who is much harder. Is this the only person I will ever see for the rest of my life? That's too hard. I could never narrow it down. If it's for a weekend of hot, steamy sex well then...

5) What is the one famous quote that most closely mirrors your own personal beliefs?

Take away love and our earth is a tomb. Robert Browning

I see this as love for each other as individuals and for each other as human beings. What would our world be like if we led with love?