Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Trip from Febreeze to Self-Pleasure Is Quicker Than You Think

It started out as the most innocent conversation, but I was left with many questions.

A wad of rain-soaked clothes were left in my co-worker's car resulting in a musty smell. He was telling me about the vast amounts of Febreeze he had sprayed in his car and was complaining that he could still smell the odor.

When I was younger we had dogs. We always used Lysol to clean up after the puppies while they were being housebroken. The puppies in my life pre-dated my children, and therefore my tolerance of poop, so I would often gag when I was forced to pick up the poop. The smell, the consistency, the little remnants left on the floor; I still associate the smell of Lysol with it all.

It was this I was telling my co-worker--that if I smell Lysol now I would swear to you that it smells like puppy poop--when he made an unexpected connection to my story.

Him: "Oh yeah. That's just like when I smell someone who has on my jerk-off lotion."

Me: *blink. blink*

It takes a lot to leave me speechless, but I definitely didn't see that coming.*

*Heh, I said "coming".*

So I let this information sink in--about five seconds goes by--and then it begins to happen.

I have questions!

Me: "You have jerk-off lotion? Is this special lotion? Do you only use it for that purpose or do you just use whatever you happen to have around? Can't you just do it with a dry hand?"

And he actually began to answer them.

We work in a very small consulting firm, so this conversation is not as inappropriate or uncomfortable as it sounds. He's in his late-twenties. It's the 20-something boys I know who keep me hip to the whole single scene. Not that I don't respect them, but I do sort of look at them like animals in the zoo--observing their behavior and being grateful that I live on the other side of the bars.

It was a bunch of young, male, former co-workers who taught me years ago about the prevalence of manscaping and the expectation of Brazillians for the women they dated when I still thought all that grooming was reserved for the porn set. Seriously, you ever think you want to be single again? Just talk to a bunch of late-twenties males. You'll run home to your spouse at lightening speed.

Anyway, so he starts answering me.

Him: "Yeah. I haven't gone without it for like 10 years. It's nothing special, but I usually have two bottles, one in the bathroom for regular use and one in the bedroom."

Me: "What if your girlfriend develops a sudden case of dry skin and sees the bottle of lotion by the bed and just starts slathering it on? Do you run to stop her?"

Can you just see that all in slow motion? "Nooooo. Not THAT lotion."

Him: "Not at all."

Me: "But then she'll remind you off?"

Him.: "Yeah! I know. That'd be awesome."

Um. I don't think she'd think so.

So now I have a challenge.

I have between now and our next holiday party in December to figure out a way to delicately suggest that she might want to bring her own lotion with her to her boyfriend's house.

And I swear the next poor guy I see in the lotion aisle at CVS is going to be so sad he met me.

"So how do you decide which brand?"

"Are you brand loyal?"

"What if there's something different on sale?"

"What features are you looking for?"

"Wouldn't lube work better?"

"Do you prefer scented or unscented?"

I just have so many questions...

*For the record, I'm not a prude. It wasn't that I was unfamilar with the concept, I just never thought that's where the conversation was going to take us.

35 Deserve Mamma's Love:

Anonymous said...

Even in a teeny tiny consulting firm that's totally inappropriate.

And I want to be among the first to thank you for it.

flutter said...

wow. That is WAYYYYY TMI from him to you. Just sayin'

Shalet said...

Not something I've actually ever thought about. There is only one male at my work. He knows way better than to go there!

Loralee Choate said...

Oh. My. God.

I am a cross between stunned and laughing my ass off.

Unknown said...

You know, those conversations just don't come up in my office. What kind of companies do you consult for, anyway?

Anonymous said...

i can't believe that i'm delurking for THIS post. but, i am. so there. did he answer the rest of the questions?! inquiring minds want to know! plus, this made me laugh out loud. late at night. and it woke up my cats who were asleep on the couch.

Steve said...

Geez, that is so much better than a normal SWAT analysis.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

It is okay if she uses it. It isn't as if he jerks off INTO the bottle.

Is it?

Amy Urquhart said...

ahhhaha oh I laughed at this post. I submitted it to Kirtsy, in fact.

kristi said...


L said...

Holy moly. All my co-workers and I talk about is boring stuff.
I want your job.

I actually found this really interesting.

carrie said...

Jerk-off lotion? Who knew.

You are too stinkin' funny.

Googling Goddess said...

That's awesome. Your office sounds like fun.

Lisa said...

Was taking a big drink of tea when I read the jerk-off response. I didn't anticipate that. There is now green tea all over my laptop. And parts of the table.

Wow. There's alot of sharing going on at YOUR office! (I used to work in an office sort of like that - only with a bunch of women. Wow. I learned alot about vibrators that way...)

Kevin Charnas said...

Sweets, I think I'd stay out of that one if I were you. As in not telling the girlfriend...that's between to speak. But, you didn't ask me, so, nevermind. :)

A good friend of mine uses baby powder. And I was all, "BABY POWDER??? DON'T THINGS CATCH FIRE??"

Seriously...BABY POWDER???

Oh and tell your co-worker not to use Febreeze. It's toxic.

Alicia said...

Wow. This was my first visit here. And did you know it's possible to laugh with your mouth hanging open? It is. If I had your job, I wouldn't mind going to work. Not boring at all. TMI, but thank him for sharing. Hilarious!

Julie Pippert said...

I had no idea. I'm not sure whether I'm glad to know LOL.

I am intrigued with lots of questions though LOL.

And if you were okay with the conversation, all right, but I would not have been. Maybe just because the terrible sexual harassment I dealt with? The perpetrator? Said because I never told him to stop talking about stuff like this UPFRONT meant I was okay with EVERYTHING that happened.

So now? I shut up and shut down every man from the get go. Just in case.

Still you were okay with it and it was pretty funny from over here. :)

Nancy said...


I added it to my shared.

Are they hiring at your firm?
Can I forward you a resume ?


Ruth Dynamite said...

Well then...

Gotta love his honesty. And heck - it's great blog fodder.

Whit said...

Lotion? Whatever happened to spit and imagination?

SHA said...

Mamma, I ask questions too! Don't tell me anything remotely interesting, cuz get ready for the 12 follow-up questions.

Heather said...

I too am speechless.

I would think lube would be better than lotion, but I guess you can buy the lotion w/o embarrassment?

Anonymous said...

This. Is. Fucking. Awesome.

I will DEFINITELY be back at this place.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

There are no words for how much I am loving you right now!

I forced Mr. Mayhem to have a conversation with me about this topic early in our relationship. My favorite question was:
"Do you call out your own name at the end?"

Yep....and he STILL married me! :)

Anonymous said...

I prefer Jergens Extra Smooth Lilac scent. I also like a few scented candles and some new age music.

The Laundress said...

snort. That's too funny.

SO what was the jerk off lotion brand anyway???

insanemommy said...

This brings back memories of my airline days. The "boys" educated me on a lot of things and one was the famed pearl necklace. lol.... I'm married and I'm all about the grooming... so is my dh. Trained him early!

Christina said...

Wow. Um, wow. I don't know what to say.

Actually, I'm amazed that you shook off the shock fast enough to ask questions. I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Mom O Matic said...

You are so right about finding your spouse super hot after watching the dating world. There is no way I could maintain those standards of twat hygiene.

I would have asked all the same questions!

Anonymous said...

Wow. I had NO IDEA.

Anonymous said...

Wait a second... is this the same guy I met when we were at happy hour last time?

Wow, if he is there the next time we get together, it is going to be hard for me to keep from bringing this up "Dude! You actually exPLAINED it to her?"


Anonymous said...

All I want to know is what brand he uses.

Cuz maybe my husband would like a bottle.


Anonymous said...

Hmmmm. Got me wondering if my hubby uses lotion.

Anonymous said...

Mamma, mamma, really? You didn't know about jerk-off lotion?

My question for you is: did you go home and ask your hubby about it? Did he know about it?

It must be your open face that invites conversations like the ones you've had with single men. I don't know if most guys would open up to most women the way they do to you.

And, before you accost anyone at CVS, some men DO use lotion for overall skin smoothness and not just in one anatomical location!

Miss Awesome said...

I just asked my boyfriend if he had a specific lotion he uses for jerking off and if when other people are wearing it, it reminds him of jerking off...he just looked at me funny and said "I just can't turn you off (noise wise I think) can I?"

I'm pretty sure that's a yes.