Friday, May 04, 2007

What Else Didn't They Tell Me?

There was quite a bit I "learned" during pregnancy that no one told me about when I was foolishly having unprotected sex trying to get pregnant.

I knew to expect some nausea. I knew my clothes would stop fitting. I even knew that my body might never return to its previous shape. I DIDN'T know I would have to stop eating brie. I DIDN't know about the tear-inducing heartburn. I DIDN'T know about the hemorrhoids and I definitely had NO idea that someone would suggest I give myself perineal massages.

But I got over all those things.

I missed the brie--and I might have cheated on that rule a few times. The heartburn sucked, but it went away as soon as the babies were ripped from a gaping hole in my abdomen born--same with the lovely hemorrhoids. As for the "suggested" massage? Let's just say that if I had taken the time to get THAT in touch with my body I would have been pissed since my boys decided there was no way they were entering the world that way.

Once the babies arrived I discovered there were a ton of other things folks left out of the Beauty of Motherhood myth. You know, things like getting peed and pooped on, cracked nipples, mastitis, the cult-like brainwashing sleep deprivation, the lack of libido (see sleep deprivation), the hormone swings, bleeding for weeks after the birth, and, oh yeah, the aching joints for that first month.

Again, I lived through all that fun, and now my youngest is three.

Lately I've discovered that no one tells you that your children begin rolling their eyes at you WAY before they become teenagers. I've discovered that kids don't have just one bike--you need a new one for every few inches they grow. I've discovered that little league players no longer grab the equipment from a team bag. They now carry bags bigger than they are filled with equipment expensive enough for me to buy at least one pair of crocodile pumps. I've discovered that by fifth grade they can really stink. And, I've discovered that nothing I can do will convince my three year-old that he can't wear baseball pants every day (no kidding this has been going on for two months now).

Again, I can handle these things no one bothered to tell me about.

Today I discovered yet another thing no one told me about, and while it's not really that bad, I think it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

No one told me I'd be using my fingernail to scrape dried boogers off the wall as I leaned across a toilet that my boys use as a rough target for peeing.

So what is it that no one has shared with me yet about teenagers?

Wait! I'm not sure I want to know.

22 Deserve Mamma's Love:

Terri said...

I didn't mind the teenage years until my son turned 16 ... that was a living hell. I used to worry my head off about him driving in this God forsaken town of crazy and insane drivers.
That's it.
I was pretty lucky.

viciousrumours said...

You left out the fact that no one tells you that your body will start to fall apart, literally. They never tell you'll forget how to respond to the sound of your own name by the time the first one is three. They never tell you that you CAN pierce a kidney by sitting on a Lego. They never tell you that the words "wash" and "hands" seem to not be coherent to anyone under twenty if used in the same sentence....oh and my personal favorite...
You will suddenly develop a talent for eating foods that belong on Fear Factor. You know the ones I mean, the half eaten Grahm Cracker, the peer sucked sucker, the sticky, dripping M&M....No trash can? Give it to Mom, she's kind of like Mikey, she'll eat anything.

Blog Antagonist said...

ROFL. That booger thing is really gross. We just rearranged my youngest's room and when we moved his bed....erg. Teenagers...I don't have one yet, but that testosterone infusion begins at about 12. Nobody told me that.

Toni said...

I have a soon to be 5 yo who has mastered the rolling eyes from his teenage brother!

Ruth Dynamite said...

This is hilarious and spot on, Mamma!

There have been times, while I've picked my son's nose, when I thought, "Only a mother would do this." No one could have told me that I'd have to pick my childrens' noses from time to time.

I'm sticking my fingers in MY ears now, because I just don't want to know what lies ahead.

Jennifer said...

You mean they continue to frustrate and irritate us as they get older?!? Great, and I thought it was all smooth sailing from here on out!

Yeah, they failed to mention this in our Mommy manuals.

canape said...

Um. Is this a true story?

If so, oh crap.

Oh, The Joys said...

Oh, no! (The joys!)

Erika, Plain Jane Mom said...

Ugh, I seriously do NOT want to know.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Yup. It's the secrets that I have to find out the hard way that really piss me off...

Kristi said...

You forgot about your hair falling out and the night sweats and the baby acne...

or maybe that was just me.

www.nolanotes.com said...

I'm still wrapping my head around the perineal massages. I will spontaneously combust if I know more. Maybe it's the human condition to only know enough to get us through were we are right now. Too much information may actually cause harm. Plus, what can you do about those teenage years now anyway?

Great post!

Kelly said...

LOL...I got nothin'. I'm totally not prepared.

Beth said...

Hey, you forgot the one about catching their barf in your hands if it happens in public.
Teenagers? Well, there's the driving and the dating and the drinking (and the equipment bags get bigger and smellier) and there's....ah, you really don't want to know.
You can wait.

Michelle said...

It is definitely a learning curve. My daughter just turned 2 - at what age can they leave home? ;-)

Kevin Charnas said...

What is it with guys putting boogers on the wall??? Grown men do this, Mamma! I see dried boogers on the wall above the urinals in Men's Restrooms!!!

QueenieB said...

Ick. You should probably tell your kids to go back to eating them. Much cleaner for all concerned.

Sorry-SO gross.

The thing that got me, when I was pregnant and doing all my reading about what was going to happen to my pregnant body, was the mucus plug. Nobody told me about the mucus plug. I remember being absolutely horrified that something that gross was going to fall out of me.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I'm with you on the booger thing....no one told me I would be digging boogers out of someone else's nose.....I don't even want to deal with the boogers in my own nose.

Of course, all of this pales can be applied to the idea of wiping ass too..........NO ONE told me about that.....and I am p*ssed! :)

Slackermommy said...

I've thought about writing a book about all those things no one tells us about motherhood. Someone has to get the word out.

Lawyer Mama said...

Ewwwww! I am so not looking forward to my boys growing up.

Pissed OFF Housewife said...

I have a teenaged brother and he's not allowed to come over hungry.

Sorry, we're doin' okay but HH doesn't make enough to feed a teenage boy.

yerdoingitwrong said...

OH Lordy. The things I have to look forward to! I have one boy whose 5 months old. You're exactly right about pregnancy....the booger years should be interesting!!!