A Practice Midlife Crisis

At 36, I'm praying that my recent doldrums were not indeed a midlife crisis but just some surge in annoying hormones--I plan on annoying my darling husband and children for a very long time. Either way, I share the following conversation with a friend about our plans for a midlife crisis. We are after all women and you must plan these types of things. You wouldn't want to have completed your crisis and then realize there was something you forgot to do.

But I digress...

A note about this particular friend. When asked in college what she wanted to be after school she always replied quite matter-of-factly, "Dictator of a small Latin American country." She now has three children and lives in Texas. So same thing I guess.

Mamma: Will you please tell me that you’ve considered a mid-life crisis! I need to know I’m not alone.

Dictator: I'm planning my mid-life crisis for 45, when my life will be half-over. Right now, it's mid-thirties chaos.

What sort of crisis ideas do you have? Mine include (1) moving the family to Mexico; (2) getting a full-time job to get away from childcare and housework; (3) adopting abused children from CPS; (4) starting my own business; (5) spending all my savings on long lavish trip. Since I don't have the courage or stamina to do any of these things, I medicate with alcohol and everything looks better.

You?

Mamma:
1. An affair with Patrick Dempsey
2. A road trip across the country
3. Spending an obscene amount of money on a new fabulous wardrobe
4. Opening a chic-chic shoe boutique

But with the inertia necessary and the size of my ass…I’ll just complain.

Dictator: An excellent list. I forgot about the new wardrobe fantasty, and of course, the extra-marital affair with a superstar fantasy, which I should also add to my list.

I keep telling myself I can have a new wardrobe when I lose ten pounds. I was very happy in August when I could get back into my skinny jeans, after yet another bout of strep throat, when I couldn't eat anything for several days. But, now that I've been able to gobble chips and queso and down margaritas for several weeks, the skinny jeans don't even TRY to close around my hips.

Thank god for my girlfriends!!