Saturday, March 08, 2008

The Post I Might Delete Later

I'm in a really bad mood. Lately, I haven't posted when this happens because I worry what I might say when I do. Too many people I care about stop by here on occasion and I don't want them to fret over me.

But today I remembered that my attraction to writing developed during my teen years as a way to get the thoughts out of my head. As a fairly outgoing person, you might be surprised by the size of the crowd and level of volume that can be reached in my brain.

I don't hear voices per se (cause damn if I did they might have answers), but rather have conversations with myself--constantly.

So back in those hormone-filled days of angst, I often wrote letters to people as a way to say the things I didn't feel I could say/or didn't have the opportunity to say in person. I never sent the letters. I don't remember burning any of them. Who knows? My mom could be sitting on a stack of them right now waiting for the perfect time to embarrass the crap out of me. The letters didn't necessarily make me feel any better, but they seemed to quiet the sounds that prevented me from noticing the rest of the world and moving on.

Like many bloggers I know, I do keep a private blog where, to this day, I still write letters. Interestingly, putting my thoughts out there feels safer than recording them in a journal that someone might happen upon. There is further irony to that blog, but for now I'll enjoy that by myself.

Do you have a place you write that is separate from your public blog? Are there topics that you only cover there?

As I wander through the blogosphere I read about a vast number of topics that are finally seeing the light of day. Moms are opening up about topics ranging from sex to the trials of PPD. Women are discussing the frustration and heartbreak of infertility. People of all walks of life are sharing the trials of serious illness, depression, racism, bullying, addiction, the death of loved ones and abuse. These brave people are sharing a part of themselves in a way that allows the rest of us to not feel so alone in the world. In my mind, they are the pillars of the social networking community.

What I've noticed though is that there seems to be one topic that remains fairly off limits (unless addressed anonymously). I understand why. Many people have discussed their reasons for not talking about it. I see this in my real life friendships too.

I just have to ask though...when will we all stop pretending like marriage is easy??

52 Deserve Mamma's Love:

Chris H said...

Marriage CAN be easy.... with the RIGHT person... and I should know cos I lived with the 'wrong' husband for 8 years then left him (with 4 kids in tow) and then met and married the right man for me. We have a rare disagreement, but on a whole we are darn happy... so I'm one of the lucky ones me thinks! but it does take work... and lots of communication, tolerance and lots of LOVE AND RESPECT.

liv said...

Well, I'll step in and say that marriage is not easy. But, IMO, nothing in this life worth having is easy. I used to say I got married on Labor Day because I knew it would be work. A divorce decree later, and I know that it's only going to work if both parties work together. I don't know why we don't talk about it. I am guessing it's because of how quickly our sisters flip on us, or how many people tell us just to walk. Either way, it's not always what we're prepared to hear. Maybe some journeys are meant to stay inside.

Whit said...

I've never heard anyone say that it is (except Chris H). I thought it was one of those understood things.

Julie Pippert said...

After something Gwen said, I did a long post about why I don't really discuss my marriage, but I do tell stories about my life, and some readers commented my marriage comes through in those tales. I do think some bloggers discuss it that way, sort of indirectly. Occasionally some discuss it directly. But I think everyone agrees it is work.

Beth said...

Perhaps someone in my position shouldn't tackle this question. (Or perhaps I am qualified to do so??)
Now that my marriage is over, I realize I spent a great deal of time convincing myself and others that it was just fine. Amidst all the negatives I am now coping with, I've also discovered a tremendous sense of freedom. The burden of pretending is gone.
Having said that, I know of many wonderful marriages - and they all take work.
(And my blog is not anonymous - hence, very few details as to that aspect of my life.)

~JJ! said...

That's a great question.

I wonder it too.

I never write about the hubs.

Too afraid he'll read.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

What liar said it was easy? The best marriages are still hard.

I don't write about it because my husband doesn't like me to talk about him on my blog and because my whole extended family reads.

kristen said...

i think it would help if we talked about it more...marriage is HARD work, or at least it's not that easy for me.

i usually don't talk about it because if you say you hate your husband than you should be packing up, if you don't than you're stuck...it's never been that black and white.

sam said...

I don't have a hidden online diary of sorts. I figure everything written online has the potential to be found.

I will write about my marriage to an extent and I will gripe about my husband - which I seem to have been doing a lot. You do raise a great question though.

I does seem to be very off limits to talk about marriage and how hard it is. I guess that since marriage is viewed as sacred and happy it's not allowed to have its dirty business aired.

Thanks for posting this... I think I may just cover this topic a little more this week.

amy t sharp said...

I like yr honesty
and yr candor
life is tough- hope that good outfloats the bad
right?

hollibobolli said...

I wrote a password protected post about a topic that really wasn't related to my marriage - it was just something that I can't put online for legal reasons.. but I did complain about some issues in my marriage. It really bothered a bunch of my readers - I got emails from people that were disappointed in me, some readers said it was just "sad" - and I didn't air a bunch of dirty laundry, I wasn't specific - I didn't rip my husband, I just alluded to the fact that things were not perfect and it wasn't the happy ending everyone cheered on... I think there are some times that readers don't like the way things are going almost like they are watching a soap opera and the writers aren't making them happy... but you can't change your life so that it pleases people.

Am I making sense - I know what I mean!! I may delete this comment later!

Redsy said...

Well I think marriage sucks on some level, esp when you add in kids... I think people are afraid to write about marriage out of respect for their spouse but mostly out of fear.

There are a few good people who are happily married.

I venture they are the exception rather than the rule.

I go back to your and my original idea -- of starting a safe place for people to write what they feel without fear of discovery or retribution or shame.

Love,
Rachael

Paige said...

Marriage is not easy. It is a lot of work.

As for safe spaces to write, I'm pretty old school. I save my not-to-be-blogged thoughts for a paper journal that I tuck away like a teen in a safe spot.

AlwaysArousedGirl said...

This is why I love anonymity, even though it's hard to be anonymous enough.

The second you start a "top secret" blog and invite in a few select readers, you'll find the need to write about something with the potential to annoy one of them...and the cycle starts again.

Marriage is horrendously hard work. It was too hard for me. Hang in there...

Katrina said...

Marriage is hard as hell! Lately, it's been super hard. Lots of external stressors weighing heavily on both of us and the cracks are showing. The dam hasn't broken, but there are leaks. And it's super hard when only one partner sees them.

melodyann said...

I talked myself blue about it. I felt like people got tired of hearing me bitch about it. So I stopped. Stopping made me so miserable that I stopped blogging altogether.

Now I want to start again. But I have no idea what to write about anymore.

andi said...

Thanks for this post.

I initially started my blog to write about the kids and had no readers or any idea about how to get readers so I told family. Then they told more people. Now it's to the point that I can't write about a lot of things I'm just dying to, because I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings who's reading (husband included - yes, marriage is ridiculously hard sometimes, especially when kids are added to the equation).

Recently I went through a rough, weepy spell and just felt super depressed. I felt like I couldn't even blog about that because I knew my real-life friends and family would worry and that it would eventually pass.

I'm too chicken to start an anonymous blog for fear it will be found. And I also fear if I write about some of that dark stuff too much that it will suck me in and negativity will take over. That's not a place I enjoy being.

I've been thinking more and more about just starting to journal again. That way I can get out all the negativity, but not have anyone privy to my private thoughts - as I think sometimes it isn't necessary for me to share everything that I think about online.

(Sorry for the novel in your comments. Love ya, Mamma.)

Nola said...

Don't delete this post! I deleted one once and you had sent me an email because you wanted to leave a comment on it and it was already gone. I regret deleting it!

I don't think we bloggers pretend marriage is easy. I am kinda surprised there have been so few bloggers have their marriages fall apart. Just statistically speaking.

For me, I have moments of frustration with my husband but have never felt that it was a "hard" relationship. That doesn't mean it is some rosy thing; it's just that it works for us.

Sorry you are in a rough spot. Don't discount what that broken ankle is doing to mess with your head. I know my broken wrist was a VERY DIFFICULT time for me and my relationship with my husband.

Be well and stay true to yourself!!

Love ya!

hipmommy from Hip Mommy's Place said...

Hi Mamma Loves! I just sent you an email. I hope you get it. If not, please check your junk email box.

Karly said...

Dude, marriage is SO hard. Sure, there are easy days, but overall? HARD!

Steve said...

If it were easy, we wouldn't work so hard at it.

I know what you mean about wanting to process it through the blog. There are times I want to write about our tough times.

But it's like complaining to your parents about your spouse. Too much of that, and they will never see the good that exists at other times.

Publicly we love our spouses. Privately we can be mad, hurt or disappointed.

Call me for a drink if you just want to vent it out. I"ll still like him once I meet him.

Karen said...

I don't think marriage is easy, even though I'm married to a great guy...

There are so many times when you have to--omg, I can't think of the word, it starts with a "c" and it means you give and take...

I am losing my mind. Maybe marriage is actually easy and I just can't remember...

aaaah!

whitetrashmom said...

Amen Mamma Loves! Somewhere between the walk on the moon, microwaves and cassette tapes, people started thinking that everything (life) was supposed to be PERFECT. I was raised by parents who grew up in the depression, who told us that life was good and happiness was good but that life was not fair nor was it easy. In the words of one of my favorite C&W singers: "I Beg Your Pardon, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden". Marriage is hard at times because LIFE IS HARD at times. Okay, I am done preaching. Sorry but I was really inspired by your post.

Gunfighter said...

Psychobabble warning:

I think that people don't blog about their marriages (in the main) because it will ruin our perfect suburbanite facades.

Marriage can have all sorts of stressors, from sex, finances, children, and that list goes on. Often we gut up and deal... sometimes we fail.

When (if) we talk about these things, we do so privately, with a good friend or a therapist. If we have neither of those, we blog... anonymously.

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

I just wanted to send my hugs and say sorry I have been completely MIA... I feel so out of touch. But I hope all is OK.

I do know that marriage is work, it gets hard, it sucks sometimes, and you have to decide what is worth it.

Big hugs.

Kimberly said...

It's not easy by any means. My sister is about to get married this summer and they are all hope and giggles and light...I can't help but think, "just you wait".

How awful is that?

The Immoral Matriarch said...

I don't! I have really no problem blogging about my marriage when it's good or crappy. :)

Becky said...

Who says it's easy? Seriously. Send me the link because I don't read enough fiction.

Redneck Mommy said...

You are absolutely right. I don't write about my marital problems (and there have been many) and I don't write about my mother.

Those two topics are off limits for me. I don't write about my marriage problems because I don't want to hurt my husband. But I'm lucky because I have such a great husband that if we're having a problem we can discuss it with one another. That generally solves my need to blog about it.

And I don't write about my mother disowning me because I fear she'd retaliate and it would blow any chances of a future reconciliation.

But man, do I sometimes long to talk about both on my blog.

Sigh.

jennifer said...

I guess I've never thought that marriage would be or is easy exactly. In fact, I think it's a hell of a lot of constant work. THAT is the part I didn't realize. The constant work. Sometimes I just don't want to compromise. Sometimes I just want him to figure it out without me saying. Sometimes it's just MORE constant work than others.

Maureen said...

Oh, I HAVE to pretend some days, or I would do something drastic.

And many times I've considered another anonymous blog to get it all out.

One day I just may.

Anonymous said...

There is another place for anonymous blogs, but also to have a community if you need/want it. Start off at http://constancethefirst.blogspot.com/
to get your own "pink apartment in the city" assignment. There are many women there talking about their marriages, the rougher side of mothering, being a daughter, depression, etc.

Mom, mommy, hon... said...

I think you have really hit on something. I have just walked through one of the darkest times ever in my marriage. But I did not blog about it because I did not want family members to know what was going on. Because if they knew what was going on they would be the ones telling me to take my kids and walk away. And as close as I was to doing that, I did not need people telling me that just because they have never really liked my choice for a husband to begin with. But I do write my thoughts down like you do. I have pages of stuff I wrote while hubby and I were having troubles but I am the only one that will read it.

Marriage, like anything else is a work in progress. You have good times and you have bad.

flutter said...

and you? Are brave in a way that is uniquely you. You can and do share the way you see fit.

And I appreciate you.

Christina said...

Marriage, like any major undertaking in life, is never completely easy. It can have good moments, but there are always rough moments, too.

I don't blog much about problems with my husband because he reads my blog, along with his parents, too. I've turned to twitter to vent frustrations with him, since he doesn't read me there!

Bayou Belle said...

I too wrote letters back in the day and never sent them. I too was very outgoing but had a ton of crap in my head to get out. So I wrote.

I often think of starting a private blog, but can barely keep up with the public one. I want to write things sometimes that I would not want anyone to read but a stranger who doesn't know me at all.

Speaking of signs, I was thinking today that a good topic for a blog post is "does anyone ever wonder if they picked the right person to marry?" Not that i have thoughts of jumping ship but would I be happier with a different type of person, mostly I wonder, a person with a different personality.

The Huffs said...

I am a new reader . . . just stumbled upon you from a link from a blog I follow. Great writing, btw. I love how real you are. You say the things we all are thinking.

And I was thrilled to see you write about having a private blog, that no one else knows about, where you can "write those letters" and let off steam and bitch about things and complain about people and relatives that you can't do with a "known" blog. I, too, have such a blog, and it is private and not accessible to even random blog surfers. Why? Because it is so extremely private and painful that I can't chance someone I know stumbling upon it.

Is it anything bad -- like physical abuse, sexual abuse, the like? No, but it is a lot of whining and complaining and bitching about my husband and how some days I hate being married and some days I love it, and most days I'm in-between. It helps me sort out my thoughts and throw out the temper tantrums from the logical, and all that.

Anyway, 'nuff said. TMI. But thanks for your post -- I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

Lotta said...

Wow, you nailed that! I was debating two days ago about writing how strange it is that I can love my husband and yet feel total rage toward him at times. But I didn't for some reason.

It's got to be all mixed in with the idea that your marriage somehow equals your worth. Because most women I know don't talk about their marriage issues. They'll bitch if their husband if irritates them, but not the hard stuff.

Damnit - Now I'm going to have to write a marriage post.

Lisa said...

I've only written one or two posts about the strain in my marriage. And those were recently. I know his parents read my site now and again. They told the hubby's cousins, who now read it often. I know alot of people from my home county read it. (Thank you old journalism teacher for writing about it in your very popular newspaper column. THANKS FOR FUCKING OUTING ME LAST YEAR.) ANd even tho my parents don't read, any info would get back to them (via county readers) within a few hours.

A friend of mine and I were talking recently. She and her hubby have a very strained relationship. She asked me a question I've often asked myself. "When do you know its over? When do you know its time to walk away?"

I told her I had no idea and I'm still trying to figure it out.

Molly said...

I try not to write too much about my marriage because I don't want to hurt my husband. Sometimes though, I do blog about something we've had an argument about and it often works to my advantage. He has the opportunity to read my feelings and think about them without having to respond immediately. It has come in handy a few times.

Jen M. said...

I think pride and competitiveness get in our way.

Marriage is never easy, although I want some of the kool-aid your first commenter is drinking - and I mean that in a good way. I think marriage is harder than parenthood - because we tend to love our kids no matter what. I didn't give birth to my husband, so it's a lot harder. Although God knows I don't write about this - due to too many family/friends reading the blog.

debawriter said...

On my private blog, for some reason, I never wrote about issues with my husband...I guess than I had to admit to myself that I had some...(since no one was reading but me)...

I talk more about the arguments I have with my husband on my more public blog, b/c I long to hear, "oh that happens with us too!" or "we're in the same boat!"

I need to be careful though, b/c my husband reads my blog and usually when I recount our arguments, I make him the bad guy and he tends not to like that :)

Deb
sandiegomomma,com

Kelly said...

I used to write about Da Husband until all of his friends started reading. Totally ruined it for me...

Kristin said...

I love your last sentence... I always feel like that's the key thing people should tell the newly engaged, "Be sure you really love this person because it's a LONG road... worth the journey, but you best be on it with someone you trust and respect!"

PunditMom said...

Getting married is easy. Being married -- the hardest thing ever.

Toss kids and demanding jobs and issues with families into that messy recipe, and it's surprising any of us can make it work.

EmmaK said...

I've written about how hard it sometimes is to be married just because it is well, uninteresting. And for a while I talked on my blog about God this is awful, monogamy is awful etc. I don't think the topic is taboo. all in all though I would say my marriage is pretty easy. I am married to the nicest man in the universe. I can't actually think of one thing that is wrong with him. The problem with marriage is that it is predictable, mostly boring etc. What most people crave is excitement. Or that is what I crave. I guess I am spoilt though!

Fern said...

Dude. I feel you.

I am very lucky in that this (my 2nd) marriage is for the most part incredibly easy.

BUT! When we have our disagreements or just "off" times, I am a person who gets things off my mind by ranting and raving about them. It is nothing for me to say I hate my husband, if I am talking to a friend who knows I will not hate my husband a couple days from now. I also hate my children, my parents, my former bosses, the checkout lady at Giant Eagle, myself, my cat, etc.

My husband is not a dramatic feller and he is very hurt by my emailed ravings to my sister and friends when he happens upon them. Bleh.

He sometimes stops by my blog. I don't want to hurt him. Don't want to censor myself. Too immature to talk appropriately about things I feel strongly about.

Anyway, I feel you.

Minnesota Matron said...

Well... . I rarely think about 'my marriage' and I've been living with the same guy for 17 years. Part of it is, I think, that I want him to have the best possible life he can have and he wants the same for me. We still have quite separate distinct existences and identities in many ways and that helps too. The trickier part is when kids arrive and despite a big ole degree that includes a minor in Feminist Studies, it became apparent that the mama is the one with the breasts and, well, mama love. So the scales of labor -- of all sort--shifted in my direction.

But every relationship has rough spots in 17 years and we've had our fair share. I'd say there have been four or five spots in which we focused on US and it's talk, talk, talk, talk -- honestly. Usually when there's some failing on someone's part that hurts us, the person who's doing the failing is grappling with some fundamental flaw or issue. Maybe it's because I am so fundamentally flawed, I feel compassion about those flaws in my guy--once I get past the anger over the failings.

Great thought provoking topic.

Dr. Matron is leaving the stage!

Leslie said...

Marriage isn't easy. I think the hard part about blogging about marital problems is that marriage is so personal and intimate and sharing those kind of issues is a real raw kind of exposure. That's scary.

My first marriage was a disaster. It became an abusive situation. When I finally got up the courage to leave, I saved money for months, secured an apartment and left while he was gone, because I literally feared for my life if he knew I was leaving. I walked out with what I could jam in my car in about two hours.

It was a bad marriage - and I'm not totally blaming my first husband for that. There was something the matter with me to allow myself to get into a marriage that ended up like that, but I certainly learned from it.

Now, in my second marriage, all I have to do is think back to how that first time felt - how it felt to fear, to be willing to leave all the things I had worked for behind, to need to be brave enough to start my life over - and it's easier for me to communicate clearly about what I want, need and am willing to give. I feel like I crawled out of hell because I knew I deserved better, and I promised myself that this second marriage was going to be better. And it is. Sure, it's hard sometimes. But it's a whole lot easier than what I had, because both Dave and I work at it. We both want it to work. What we get out of it is worth what we're putting into it.

When I blog about my marriage, usually it's the positive stuff, simply because that's what I like to focus on - the good stuff, the stuff that keeps me there. This is going to sound corny, but I can't bring myself to complain too much about Dave, because I had so, so much worse before. And I'm just really thankful for what I have now.

Lindsay Lebresco (Graco) said...

Try writing for a corporate blog! I started a personal one to offset everything I couldn't say on the Graco blog and then my husband hijacked it (he's a SAHD). Now I just have a folder on my desktop of posts that will never be posted. A guess this is my new journal of sorts...

Anonymous said...

There is a marriage discussion blog just for you -- marriagetheeasyway.blogspot.com
Most posts are anonymous and there's lots of letting it all hang out. Take a look and post a comment.

AVA said...

I know this blog is old but I just had to comment. Marraige takes work. You have to trust each other and communicate. So many people go have an affair and think they are right in doing so for their own selfish reasons. The truth always comes out and way too many people get hurt, especially the children. Would you want your kids to look at you as an example of what not to do when they marry someone? Or look at you and think even worse things? Parenting is not always easy but we do not trade our kid in for another one till it works for us. So why question the easiness of your marriage? If you can write about anything shouldn't you be able to talk to your spouse about anything? In case you are wondering, I am the product of an affair. An unplanned pregnancy that left my mom with a hard time explaining her pregnancy to her husband that she had lost interest in. She is my example of what I will not put my children through. Marriage can be easy, but it takes work.