Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Got a Cork?

Sometimes I feel like a bucket that's sprung a hole at its seam.

On the outside all looks well, but I feel empty on the inside. The things that should normally fill me up are washing out as quickly as they're poured in--so much so sometimes that there is barely any residue left by their presence.

I don't know if it's exhaustion or frustration or restlessness, but I need to feel full before I begin to collapse in on myself.

Tomorrow I may feel completely different.

I hope I do.

Because today, I worried to myself that I was becoming a black hole, and a black hole by its infinite nature is impossible to fill.

But then again, I tend to be a worrier.

Let's chalk this all up to hormone fluctuations and an impending birthday. I used to love them, but now I'm looking at the number and wondering what it is I've accomplished and what it is I have ahead of me.

I desire change.

I know I'm the only one who can make it.

33 Deserve Mamma's Love:

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Oh, Mamma... You are saying the words we all feel. It passes, but everyone is different.

Best.

Loralee Choate said...

I have been in need of a cork many, many times. I hope that you get it and this icky feeling passes quickly.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

With 3 young kids, that's normal. It just means you're not taking time to do something special for yourself. You need to be nurtured to nurture others!

Blog Antagonist said...

I know that feeling. I don't know how to tell you to fill it. I usually do something silly like going shopping, but the last time it happened, I enrolled in college! GULP.

kristen said...

i so get this. birthday's do that to me now too - and this impending sense that i need to get it done NOW.

i'm hoping that the cork will be bursting forth because you're brimming with all that you want and can do.

it's always an ebb and flow and i hope this ebbing moves quickly on past.

~JJ! said...

You sound exactly like I did right before my birthday last month...

I kinda pulled out of it...You will too...

hugs.

Paige Jennifer said...

I thought I'd be in your shoes right about now, my thirty-fifth birthday less than twenty-four hours away. And yet, I'm the opposite. I look back and nod with approval and I look ahead and gleefully giggle at the opportunities. Of course, last week I was a mess so clearly the tides can change rather rapidly.

The End of Motherhood? said...

It sneaks up on you, that change in the nature of birthdays. Not sure when the feeling changed from anticipation to dread, but I feel your pain.

Claudia said...

I can relate, darling, been there done that, still take out the t-shirt from time to time. Just let it flow through you, it's a part of you, just like the lightness and joy is, and it keeps you balanced and capable of seeing the silver lining to everything. Age is just a number and with more time comes more wisdom and life deposits. Keep your chin up, or have a really, really good cry and then go outside and blow some bubbles! :)

*hugs*

Karen said...

I hope you're feeling better soon. It's so tough to keep doing what you need to do when the clouds roll in like this. Hang in there (as Jenny would say, "don't let the despair of depths get to you!")

Kimberly said...

Birthdays suck. I'm planning to jump off of a bridge this year for mine. (Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be a positive friend right now but hell...getting older blows. Why pretend otherwise?)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I allow myself to wallow from time to time. Let's wallow together tomorrow. Shall we?
xo

PinksandBluesGirls said...

I am a worrier by nature, too, so I feel for you.

Getting older? A kid down the street guessed my age today (not my idea) and he overshot by 10 years. I was seriously depressed for awhile.

Hope you're feeling better soon. :)

Jane, Pinks & Blues

Just Janice said...

I feel like that all the time, but then a sunny day comes and I feel mucho better. Hopefully this shall pass with the clouds.

Dorky Dad said...

I know how you feel. That's why I read books about history -- usually they make me feel pretty good about modern life. (I'm feeling blue now, but at least I don't have cholera!)

I'm such a dork.

Hope you feel better real quick!!!

flutter said...

This is more true than is possible to express.

You have it in you, girl for that change. You do.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I could have written this post! I think we may have been separated at birth!

This being a grownup is hard....I could have never imagined the blessings AND the complete and utter exhaustion and self doubt that would come with being a mother and wife! AND don't even get me started on work!!!!!!

I hope you feel better today......if it helps.....I think you are pretty amazing! :)

PS: I have seen Steph's pictures of your happy hour parties...count me IN on the margaritas!

andi said...

What a lovely post, Mamma. You so well described this feeling. I felt exactly this same way a few months ago. Just utterly numb. Void of any feeling. A weepy mess.

But you're right, we are the only ones who have control over our own lives and our happiness. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time and I hope you find a cork soon, my friend.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

I've been feeling the same way lately. I'm emotionally exhausted. I think we go through phases of this. I hope yours passes quickly.

Sue said...

I had a BIG birthday last year (and here it is again in 2 weeks) - last year was ok. But all my friends my age are done with the little kid thing and are back re-inventing themselves. I'm still changing diapers and it feels like everyone around me is in their 20s. I'd like to get to the place where a little bit of my life is about me, but I'm still a few years out. (And for some reason, this year, it makes me sad.)

Hope you find your cork. (Now that sounds weird!) :-)

Lisa said...

I have felt that too. (I ended up dying my hair a really dark red- brown. Which as I look at it? Not a great idea. But distracting. Not thinking about the other stuff. At least not today.)

Wish I had answers for you. If you figure it out, let the rest of us know, ok?

But sending you out a mess of virtual hugs.

Maureen said...

I hope this soon passes and you'll find that special something to "fill you up" again. I definitely go through ups and downs; but they pass quickly. Yeah, it's probably age...

Mitch McDad said...

Too much thinking. In situations like this I like to call on the wisdom of the movie Risky Business. "Sometimes you have to say what the ...." you know.

Life is life. Don't over think it. Just take a deep breath.

Wow. I'm deep.

Or just have a really nice cocktail.

Jodi said...

I have totally been there.

It was so great to meet you last in person!

Claudia said...

Showing some love and here's hoping you had a better (read: smiley) weekend!!!

whitetrashmom said...

Oooh Mama Loves----Dr. White Trash Mom has the answer. Get your thyroid checked. SERIOUSLY. You sound just like me-----I am gonna send you a link via your email. If it helps you feel ANY better you are the homecoming queen of my trailer park. *smile*

toddlerplanet said...

Oh, hon. I wish I'd seen this before the cocktails on Friday. I feel like I missed a chance to hug you and reassure you and try to help you feel better. Because sometimes a friend can help you out of this place. (Sometimes, though, it takes chocolate.) I hope that the weekend was good to you and that things are a little better today ....

Oh, The Joys said...

(((you)))

I've been flat for a long, dayum time.

. . . Dallas Meow . . . . >^^< . . . said...

oh no
so sorry -
guess I should read here first before commenting on buzz
- hope this passes for you
ick stinks

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Queen of Shake-Shake said...

I've been thinking about this awhile because it seems as if this feeling is going around. I don't mean just in the blogosphere either.

I'm starting to wonder if we're feeling something as a collective society. I mean, with the election drama, the economy drama, the gas prices drama. Or maybe I"m talking crazy. It wouldn't be the first!

Bayou Belle said...

All I can say is "Ditto".

Lawyer Mama said...

I soooo know what you mean.

Love you, babe.

xoxo

Ivy Brown said...

For what little it is worth, I have been there, and several times too.

The good news is that the feeling passes.

And when it does, I know that I at least strive to take steps so that it doesn't happen again. If it does, the black hole-ness isn't as dire.