Monday, June 02, 2008

There Are Days

There are days when your kitchen sink develops a clog and it's a holiday weekend and 35 people are coming to your house so you run back and forth to use the guest bathroom sink while preparing the food for said guests--ignoring the fact that you will have no way to clean up after them when they leave at 3:00 a.m.

There are days when you read her and you almost wet your pants because holy crap is she funny, but then you secretly plot to steal her brain because you know you'll never be that funny, but then you secretly thank the goddess of discount designer shoes that she walks this planet at the same time you do.

There are days when your six year-old mumbles the word "evaporate" as he's drifting off to sleep so he can commit the new word to memory and your heart just explodes with pride, but then you remember five minutes earlier he was telling you about the "masagna" he had for dinner and you decide that he might not get that Nobel after all.

There are days when you don't think your blogging is ever going to amount to much and then you get invited to this super-swanky, invite-only reception for the premiere of a new movie and you decide that you might not abandon your blog after all, until you get to the super-swanky, invite-only party and they play Kung Fu Fighting over and over and over again for two hours straight and there is no alcohol, so you decide that the party was secretly a punishment and you were invited because your blog sucks big black licorice-flavored turds.

There are days when your friend complains over email about all the traveling they must do over the summer and your inner bitch can be silenced no more so she sends a snide reply suggesting that the person have a terrific summer and contact her when they actually want to talk, but then your bitch rethinks her rudeness and cancels the reply before it's sent. Still feeling pissy after the original reply is discarded, the bitch decides to send one anyway--just a bit snarkier this time--only to realize once that one is gone that they were both sent and now you just look like an idiot.

There are days when you can feel the scream begin deep in your stomach and as it rises you know that if you don't figure out soon what your purpose in life is there is no way you're going to prevent that scream from deafening those around you so you decide to tell your husband about it and he suggests you quash it by getting up earlier in the morning to make your children pancakes.

There are days you don't kill your husband.

There are days when you are little and you think it would be cool to have a retainer or a cast or something neato like that and then you grow up and you trip on the sidewalk because apparently a single step down can be dicey terrain to negotiate and you break your ankle and you get a cast and then the cast comes off and your ankle still doesn't heal and then you want to remove your leg at the knee and use the separated appendage to knock your orthopedist silly until he fixes you enough so that you can wear flip flops again, because damn it's finally flip flop weather.

Yep. There are days.

23 Deserve Mamma's Love:

Sue Doe-Nim said...

Oh dear.

You're sorta scaring me. Will a snarky comment get me a furious email?

Shamelessly Sassy said...

I love snark mail. Love it!

Nancy said...

And there are days like this when I read your post and wish I lived close so I could pick you up and go out for a night of martini's and share in a bitch fest, solving all the worlds problems one drink at a time and fall over laughing (without breaking anything) before the night is over.

(((hugs)))

P.S. Snark email is the new Hallmark

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Yes, I believe I have had many days like that!

The Laundress~JJ! said...

I hate those days. When will mine like that end.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Snark mail rules. Also? Masagna. I want your kid's brain. In a jar.

That last part was a joke. A horrible, horrible joke that I can't keep to myself.

See, it's a curse.

PunditMom said...

Thank you for this post! I have so many "days" and am wondering just what the heck I'm doing out here. But then you right something like this and I'm reminded that if I didn't blog, I wouldn't know you (and so many others) who write things that make me know that the "days" will get better. Soon, I hope!

Katrina said...

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up either. And have had so many days like that...we should come up with some kinda list of ways NOT to kill our husbands, as they are so often deserving a good killin'.

fairytalesandmargaritas said...

Just stopped to say Hi. I saw on your post at Heather's that you have a teenager with ADHD who is on meds, not that you're defensive! I am in the same situation, except mine is my daughter. And she's on meds and I still get defensive!

jennifer said...

Your blog doesn't suck "big black licorice-flavored turds"!!! Nice take on suckage, though!

I sent a nasty gram to a commenter who royally pissed me off. I didn't actually mean to send it, I meant to delete it...ooops.

nola said...

I HATE those days. Sorry!!

Missy said...

I always wanted a cast. I'm still waiting for that wish to come back and bite me. Here's to awesome days ahead!

imgladyouasked said...

I hate those kind of days. I dropped a mug on my foot last week and only managed to make my toe turn every shade of purple and hurt really bad instead of breaking my foot, which I think may have been preferable since I have bad feet and can't wear cute shoes anyway..lol

Ruth Dynamite said...

Yes, there are days for oh so many things - best of all visiting you!

Kristin said...

Ah, yes... I am having all of those days.

Leslie said...

I love you for writing this post because I have those days, too.

Paige Jennifer said...

We all know my maternal urge is nonexistent but I love the day about evaporate and masagna. Made me giggle and think, them tykes sure can be fun sometimes.

I'm hosting a Ninetendo event, something I was tapped for via my blog. And ironically it came just as I settled into the conclusion it just might be time to retire the thing.

slackermommy said...

You don't think you are funny? This had me giggling and nodding my head in complete understanding.

Beth said...

There really should be places we can go to let out those rip-roaring screams. I think it would help.
Hope your "days" have improved.

Maureen said...

Oh crap.... sorry, but you had me snorting a few times there.

Hope your ankle (and your Ortho) heals quickly.

Bananas said...

I am having a week of THOSE DAYS too and am ready to rip my hair out and shake the clumps at the sky in bitter anger and resentment.
But then I remember that I get to go to BlogHer and drink martinis and hang with YOU for a whole extended weekend and life seems good again. :)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

If it makes you feel ANY better...I threw a temper tantrum the last day of school...the likes of which have NEVER been seen before and will probably NEVER be seen again...all that was missing was me kicking and banging my fists on the floor...which I thought about doing! :)

Yeah....that's professional!

Hope these days pass quickly....UNTIL THEN....can I interest you in a drink?

andi said...

Oh, how I've missed you. Sorry about the immense suckitude you've been going through. Also sorry that it made me laugh.