The Trip from Febreeze to Self-Pleasure Is Quicker Than You Think

It started out as the most innocent conversation, but I was left with many questions.

A wad of rain-soaked clothes were left in my co-worker's car resulting in a musty smell. He was telling me about the vast amounts of Febreeze he had sprayed in his car and was complaining that he could still smell the odor.

When I was younger we had dogs. We always used Lysol to clean up after the puppies while they were being housebroken. The puppies in my life pre-dated my children, and therefore my tolerance of poop, so I would often gag when I was forced to pick up the poop. The smell, the consistency, the little remnants left on the floor; I still associate the smell of Lysol with it all.

It was this I was telling my co-worker--that if I smell Lysol now I would swear to you that it smells like puppy poop--when he made an unexpected connection to my story.

Him: "Oh yeah. That's just like when I smell someone who has on my jerk-off lotion."

Me: *blink. blink*

It takes a lot to leave me speechless, but I definitely didn't see that coming.*

*Heh, I said "coming".*

So I let this information sink in--about five seconds goes by--and then it begins to happen.

I have questions!

Me: "You have jerk-off lotion? Is this special lotion? Do you only use it for that purpose or do you just use whatever you happen to have around? Can't you just do it with a dry hand?"

And he actually began to answer them.

We work in a very small consulting firm, so this conversation is not as inappropriate or uncomfortable as it sounds. He's in his late-twenties. It's the 20-something boys I know who keep me hip to the whole single scene. Not that I don't respect them, but I do sort of look at them like animals in the zoo--observing their behavior and being grateful that I live on the other side of the bars.

It was a bunch of young, male, former co-workers who taught me years ago about the prevalence of manscaping and the expectation of Brazillians for the women they dated when I still thought all that grooming was reserved for the porn set. Seriously, you ever think you want to be single again? Just talk to a bunch of late-twenties males. You'll run home to your spouse at lightening speed.

Anyway, so he starts answering me.

Him: "Yeah. I haven't gone without it for like 10 years. It's nothing special, but I usually have two bottles, one in the bathroom for regular use and one in the bedroom."

Me: "What if your girlfriend develops a sudden case of dry skin and sees the bottle of lotion by the bed and just starts slathering it on? Do you run to stop her?"

Can you just see that all in slow motion? "Nooooo. Not THAT lotion."

Him: "Not at all."

Me: "But then she'll remind you of...um...jerking off?"

Him.: "Yeah! I know. That'd be awesome."

Um. I don't think she'd think so.

So now I have a challenge.

I have between now and our next holiday party in December to figure out a way to delicately suggest that she might want to bring her own lotion with her to her boyfriend's house.

And I swear the next poor guy I see in the lotion aisle at CVS is going to be so sad he met me.

"So how do you decide which brand?"

"Are you brand loyal?"

"What if there's something different on sale?"

"What features are you looking for?"

"Wouldn't lube work better?"

"Do you prefer scented or unscented?"

I just have so many questions...

*For the record, I'm not a prude. It wasn't that I was unfamilar with the concept, I just never thought that's where the conversation was going to take us.